The parts filled with self-hatred, the ones that can’t find kindness.

The parts that think no matter what, I’m just not enough. Not creative enough, Not thin enough, not smart enough, not aware enough, not caring enough, not there enough. 

Just not enough.

These parts care far too much about what they, he, she, and you will think.

…

But we all have our parts. They are what make us … well us. They are raw. They are real.

And maybe…just maybe,  it’s better to stand face to face with these parts. To really sit with them, to hold their hand and remind them of kindness and light.

Tell them to grasp something…anything…and just hold on. Just be.

And maybe…just maybe, with enough   s p a c e  that tiny, stronger voice will come back.

It will say, enough to those harsh voices.

and it will be okay.

**

Love,

a stronger you from another moment in time…

…I wish I could be there
Wish I could make it right

Don’t you worry, you’ll soon be on the mend
That’s no trick, that flicker of radiance
And you’ll feel lucky, darling, I’m sure of it
You’ll figure it out…and get good again…

**

I’ll never understand the circles that this life makes us take, but love comes and goes and comes back again in the strangest ways. It just sucks that hearts ever have to be broken.

…All I know is that when I’m with you, I feel like I’m clutching a giant thing of pepper spray or reliving a moment of being carried to bed by my parents when I was five years old and fell asleep in front of the television. All day long, I can feel fragile, like a raw nerve, and when I come home to you, it’s like I just put on the thickest winter coat and installed bulletproof windows in my apartment….

…There’s nothing more rewarding in this world than knowing that you’re being understood. Someone is seeing all of you and accepting it as is. “I’ll take the one with the beautiful dents that likes to cry at commercials. I see potential in this one.” You take me and I take you. Sold.

- thought catalog

*source* the brilliant, inspiration, katie soloker!*

dear universe,

if you are trying to break me. stop it.

because i will laugh, even through tears.

“have you seen the movie, ‘how to lose a guy in ten days?’”

oh the irony…

because between these shallow breaths of tears and hearty breaths of laughter, i will remember that it’s these moments that make me know that i’m alive.

and i’ll remember the feelings that preceded these were lovely, even if brief. they were real, even if fleeting.

so dear universe, if you are trying make me give up and lose hope.

i won’t, dammit.

there are learnings from everything, there is love in everything.

*source*

Dear heart,

I know you would love to be hiding behind this bouquet of balloons and that you really wish they could take you high into the skies. To another time, outside of this embarrassment. Away from your nervousness when you feel moved, for you have the clammy hands to show just how scared you really are.

But I also know that you are just very excited. I know how you often say too much without thinking. And I know that you’re working oh-s0-hard on being mindful with your reactions to emotions. To be patient. 

So dear heart. Remember to be kind to yourself. In this life, we can look back at our mistakes. Our eagerness. And we can laugh.

Love,

a stronger you from another moment in time…

In fact, the days are getting longer by seconds, they have ever since the 21.

Only a few more months until the park is green again!

until then, here’s a fun little song

i have many.
i often think too much.

but this thought.
is perhaps, an explanation

you see. i am a words person.
i often overlook actions.
awaiting words.

growing up my mom used to shower me with words of affection-
tied nicely in strings of threes ~

i love you (almost all of the time)
i miss you (after a day of school)
you are wonderful

her ailing body didn’t leave much room for actions
i could only offer help with IVs of lipids
run around hospitals

the action i remember most is her death.

poof.

just like that.

people die.
they leave us.
things change.
i am equally terrified as i am excited about change…
for i know it can bring many wonderful things.

but
however many years later, i’ve managed to become so afraid of loss.
it’s still in my bones.
makes me feel.
lonely.

and sometimes i dismiss the lovely actions people show me now.
instead, waiting for words…

but actions do speak louder….

so maybe this thought.
this oh-so-uncomfortable-thought
for i hate thinking of death. and that loss.
this realization.

this…
space.

will help things make sense.

**

if only i had the open roads of iowa to drive on to clear my mind.

I love my iphone and I write LOTS of notes. Everything from being angry that the train is taking forever, to-do lists, songs to download, and lastly the gooey feelings that I get when I am around a certain someone. I often look through my old notes to see if anything exciting has happened. And something exciting DID happen – I realized that it had been a year of knowing a certain someone and a year of random little notes to myself.

**

**

Dear certain someone ~ the last sentence of my most recent note is true. No matter what, I am happy to be back to “feeling” again, so much that I have to write them out immediately as I feel them. Thank you for that.

i feel like alice
falling
i hate that
trying to find comfort in my own words
i hope they will catch me.

fall is here. making me frustrated. making me forgetful. making me wish i could forget.

11:11
11:11
11:11

*

i must remember compassion
and to be kind to myself.

this is an honest moment.
i don’t like it. but i will wake feeling refreshed, renewed, and okay.

i am okay.
i am okay.

Here is a bouquet of bright flowers – just for you!

Fall is dampening my spirit a bit and the best medicine for me is giving to others – so I hope you’ll enjoy these flowers. Even though they are only in a photo…I also have a stack of post-its with love notes ready to leave in random places around this city!

What do you do when you’re having a bad day? What brightens your spirit? Maybe reading your thoughts on cheerfulness will help me too!

Anyway, let your day be filled with color and love.

xo