I was waiting for it to break me. Or something. The pressure and the weight had been so overwhelming. It’s funny how your head, heart, and your gut  (the deepest part) can have conversations with one another – yet no one is heard. Noise is created and ignored.

Until it’s not anymore.

And you say the words you desperately didn’t want to say.
But the moment they leave, the weight seems to dissipate.

The molecules are shifting and the time is moving. forward, forward, and on.

You wish it worked out differently. You really do.
You wish new words could be shared and new laughs could be had.

But something brings you back. To focus. To clarity. Questions abound and you’re reminded that new words and new laughs will be shared. In time.

In time.

I won’t get mad
And I won’t break in two
‘Cause I understand you
I’ll take this change
And let my clothes soak with rain
As I study orchid blooms

And some can’t live unless they feed on fallen leaves
And so you’ll let me down to come alive when you comfort me

I’ve watched you change,
I’ve heard your words rearrange
Way back from the start
And if I did teach you anything at all
I hope it was to love with all your heart
And they open wide with imperfect symmetry
And so you’ll love like you, and I will love like me

And to be reborn
They have to go to seed
So angel, you will have to set me free

- maria taylor

*source* 

I read these great prose pieces and writings by people that are learning to forgiven themselves.
I think about forgiveness and self-love.
I tell people that it’s the thing that matters the most.
I know this is true.

But when it comes to myself and actually being what I say.
I must confess, I can’t. It’s hard. I struggle.

I make mistakes. I hurt people. I say mean things. I ruin moments. I ruin everything. I feel like I ruin everything. I can never keep my mouth shut. There are moments of so much self-loathing that I wish could somehow make my body inside out. I just wish there was a different way to experience this pain. This terrible, unforgiving hatred.

I hate this feeling.
I can’t stand it.
I know it’s not right.

There is part of myself. Somewhere In. My brain. My skin. My organs, that know that I’m far too harsh on myself. That overlook the full situation and only see my wrong doings, but they are so overcome. So overwhelmed. So.

I wish I wasn’t so emotional. That I didn’t have so much feeling. That I didn’t feel anything.

I know this is an extreme, but in this moment. I can’t stand myself, but I’ll keep moving ahead. Work through these lists. Updates in content management systems. Thank you notes for my volunteers. Silly gchats and I’ll sip this coffee. I’ll feel it in my stomach. I’ll write these emails and I’ll keep reading words of inspiration. I’ll think and I’ll dream. I’ll wish I didn’t feel this way. And maybe I’ll be distracted enough to not. But it will be back. It always is.

i am my own lifeline

darkness finds it’s way into my heart. into my mind. into my words.

i say things without thinking.
i think things without doing.

“what’s the point?” that harsh voice asks.
“it’s all already been done. you’re not good enough anyway.” it teases.

“…but you love it and it makes you happy…” a tiny voice struggles to speak

i am my own problem, but i am my own lifeline.

maybe this realization is part of “the point.”
the “action step” for my list-loving mind is self-love.

I have been with the darkest parts of myself.

The parts filled with self-hatred, the ones that can’t find kindness.

The parts that think no matter what, I’m just not enough. Not creative enough, Not thin enough, not smart enough, not aware enough, not caring enough, not there enough. 

Just not enough.

These parts care far too much about what they, he, she, and you will think.

…

But we all have our parts. They are what make us … well us. They are raw. They are real.

And maybe…just maybe,  it’s better to stand face to face with these parts. To really sit with them, to hold their hand and remind them of kindness and light.

Tell them to grasp something…anything…and just hold on. Just be.

And maybe…just maybe, with enough   s p a c e  that tiny, stronger voice will come back.

It will say, enough to those harsh voices.

and it will be okay.

**

Love,

a stronger you from another moment in time…

*source*

…I wish I could be there
Wish I could make it right

Don’t you worry, you’ll soon be on the mend
That’s no trick, that flicker of radiance
And you’ll feel lucky, darling, I’m sure of it
You’ll figure it out…and get good again…

**

I’ll never understand the circles that this life makes us take, but love comes and goes and comes back again in the strangest ways. It just sucks that hearts ever have to be broken.

*source*

…All I know is that when I’m with you, I feel like I’m clutching a giant thing of pepper spray or reliving a moment of being carried to bed by my parents when I was five years old and fell asleep in front of the television. All day long, I can feel fragile, like a raw nerve, and when I come home to you, it’s like I just put on the thickest winter coat and installed bulletproof windows in my apartment….

…There’s nothing more rewarding in this world than knowing that you’re being understood. Someone is seeing all of you and accepting it as is. “I’ll take the one with the beautiful dents that likes to cry at commercials. I see potential in this one.” You take me and I take you. Sold.

- thought catalog

*source* the brilliant, inspiration, katie soloker!*

dear universe,

if you are trying to break me. stop it.

because i will laugh, even through tears.

“have you seen the movie, ‘how to lose a guy in ten days?’”

oh the irony…

because between these shallow breaths of tears and hearty breaths of laughter, i will remember that it’s these moments that make me know that i’m alive.

and i’ll remember the feelings that preceded these were lovely, even if brief. they were real, even if fleeting.

so dear universe, if you are trying make me give up and lose hope.

i won’t, dammit.

there are learnings from everything, there is love in everything.

*source*

Dear heart,

I know you would love to be hiding behind this bouquet of balloons and that you really wish they could take you high into the skies. To another time, outside of this embarrassment. Away from your nervousness when you feel moved, for you have the clammy hands to show just how scared you really are.

But I also know that you are just very excited. I know how you often say too much without thinking. And I know that you’re working oh-s0-hard on being mindful with your reactions to emotions. To be patient. 

So dear heart. Remember to be kind to yourself. In this life, we can look back at our mistakes. Our eagerness. And we can laugh.

Love,

a stronger you from another moment in time…

Okay, no more crumminess from these getting-dark-at-five-o’clock-gray-day feelings!

In fact, the days are getting longer by seconds, they have ever since the 21.

Only a few more months until the park is green again!

until then, here’s a fun little song