look a little closer blog

I finally developed the film that had been waiting for me, and I remembered why I shouldn’t neglect my film camera!
It takes beautiful shots…and was the first camera I learned on!

this is one of my favorite photos..

**

Last fall I went to Montauk.
The sky was gray and it rained the entire time…

…but I did a lot of painting.

thinking of 11:11…

and healing…

The sea seemed so infinite…

but the actual view was much grander…

I imagined a stampede of unicorns running to shore…
like my favorite childhood movie, The Last Unicorn

**
It did clear up enough to take a walk…
Have I ever told you that I love ditches?

I think there are so many pretty colors…

Sometimes it takes a gray day to notice them..

The beach was filled with ocean treasures!

I decided hang out on this big stick…

Looked at the sea through a different lens..

I was annoyed with all of the cars just leaving their mark…

So I found my own patch of sand…

And decided to leave a little piece of me…

xo

“So what are your plans? Do you plan on going back to Iowa?” he asks. We’re in a big group, so I’m not about to blurt out how I actually feel.

**What! Why would I go to Iowa? To visit a grave??**

“hmm..nope. Just staying here. You?”

I quickly end the conversation and run back to my friends. I kind of want to cry, but realize I can’t. This person doesn’t know – most don’t. I can’t expect everyone to just know…he was just making conversation and it’s just a day, but sometimes holidays can be rough. I do my best to make the most of them, and remember that there isn’t a “formula” for how a holiday is supposed to look, but holidays bring up the fact that you can forget the day-to-day-ness of someone. And remembering the forgotten makes you question who you are.

Are you “you” because you lost them? And would you be the same with them?

These questions and a variation of more will probably be with me for the rest of my life. I’ll always “wonder” about things, but I like who I am. So I have to think that she’d like who I am too, and that I would have gotten here regardless.

My memories are faded, but we learn to hold onto the best parts of a person. My mother used to love flowers. Maybe this is why I’m so drawn to them. Sometimes, I like to think that she’s the moments I stop to smell the flowers and notice beauty.

Here are some moments from last week..

Hope you all had a lovely weekend and a Happy Mother’s Day!

xo

My art has taken a turn. This realization has been pretty exciting.

Last year was pretty turbulent and was reflective in my paintings. It’s really interesting to look at the progression from then to now. My good friend, Kristen, also helped me see this transition!

Colors were a bit blurry and everything was a bit muddy.

There was a lot of chaos and little detail.

I just needed a way to get through the muck…

It really was about release..

But lately something has really changed.

Maybe it’s a reflection of my life..
I’m happy and sharing love as much as I can.
It’s all about the details and looking a little closer..
And remembering why I love art in the first place..

I like creating landscapes of color and daydreams.
Little worlds to escape into.

Like this one I did for a friend last year..

and this for my friend’s baby, Georgia Faith.

My art is best when I’m feeling the love!

The sketchbook project tour has begun!

Books were meant to be touched. The exhibitions will be treated “library-style”, complete with library cards for each visitor who can check books out and view them while in the galleries. There are no frames hanging on a wall. This is a purely tactile experience.

**

My sketchbook is a little different. It is pretty, sweet, ugly, awful, human, pure emotion, and the rawest piece of art I have ever done.

It is 100% complete honest.

I don’t expect anyone to read the whole thing, but if they did, they would see what exactly what I felt in overcoming a broken heart.

Anytime I felt anything; I wrote, sketched, drew, scribbled, tore paper. I used my art to help me get through the worst of it. It honestly helped. I realized this when I wasn’t writing in it every five seconds. I think I took a break on day 14. That was when it started to get better.

I don’t have a copy of the book, but I do have some photos. I planned on scanning the whole book, but never did. I wasn’t even sure that I would send it. But on the last day of the second extension, I sent it. I am a different person than when I wrote the book. I even start the book with that disclaimer. Who knows if anyone will even pick it up?

That said, the schedule of the book’s tour is above.

Cheers to emotion and using art to release!

Here are some long awaited photos.

okay, i’m breathing

barely

but i’m breathing

in fact, i’m laughing
it can only go up from here
it HAS to
unless i get struck by lightning

the hardest part is over
well, one of them
until it hits me out of nowhere
each time is more intense, but less in length
day 16 has been hard, but i’m moving forward

new friends
new faces
open doors

a safe place
no drama
no lies

i will find a home

writing all of this down
reading it with puffy eyes
shows me that i am doing this

this is hard
i remember too much
give you too much credit
my strength is my own
now i know i can be happy, healthy, and in love
love will find me again

i will be
guarded
protected
strong
loving

until my heart learns to trust

tomorrow will be a better day.