i have many.
i often think too much.

but this thought.
is perhaps, an explanation

you see. i am a words person.
i often overlook actions.
awaiting words.

growing up my mom used to shower me with words of affection-
tied nicely in strings of threes ~

i love you (almost all of the time)
i miss you (after a day of school)
you are wonderful

her ailing body didn’t leave much room for actions
i could only offer help with IVs of lipids
run around hospitals

the action i remember most is her death.

poof.

just like that.

people die.
they leave us.
things change.
i am equally terrified as i am excited about change…
for i know it can bring many wonderful things.

but
however many years later, i’ve managed to become so afraid of loss.
it’s still in my bones.
makes me feel.
lonely.

and sometimes i dismiss the lovely actions people show me now.
instead, waiting for words…

but actions do speak louder….

so maybe this thought.
this oh-so-uncomfortable-thought
for i hate thinking of death. and that loss.
this realization.

this…
space.

will help things make sense.

**

if only i had the open roads of iowa to drive on to clear my mind.

Last year was pretty turbulent and was reflective in my paintings. It’s really interesting to look at the progression from then to now. My good friend, Kristen, also helped me see this transition!

Colors were a bit blurry and everything was a bit muddy.

There was a lot of chaos and little detail.

I just needed a way to get through the muck…

It really was about release..

But lately something has really changed.

Maybe it’s a reflection of my life..
I’m happy and sharing love as much as I can.
It’s all about the details and looking a little closer..
And remembering why I love art in the first place..

I like creating landscapes of color and daydreams.
Little worlds to escape into.

Like this one I did for a friend last year..

and this for my friend’s baby, Georgia Faith.

My art is best when I’m feeling the love!

Books were meant to be touched. The exhibitions will be treated “library-style”, complete with library cards for each visitor who can check books out and view them while in the galleries. There are no frames hanging on a wall. This is a purely tactile experience.

**

My sketchbook is a little different. It is pretty, sweet, ugly, awful, human, pure emotion, and the rawest piece of art I have ever done.

It is 100% complete honest.

I don’t expect anyone to read the whole thing, but if they did, they would see what exactly what I felt in overcoming a broken heart.

Anytime I felt anything; I wrote, sketched, drew, scribbled, tore paper. I used my art to help me get through the worst of it. It honestly helped. I realized this when I wasn’t writing in it every five seconds. I think I took a break on day 14. That was when it started to get better.

I don’t have a copy of the book, but I do have some photos. I planned on scanning the whole book, but never did. I wasn’t even sure that I would send it. But on the last day of the second extension, I sent it. I am a different person than when I wrote the book. I even start the book with that disclaimer. Who knows if anyone will even pick it up?

That said, the schedule of the book’s tour is above.

Cheers to emotion and using art to release!

No one to talk to
A shoulder to rest my head upon
My love, you have become an unwanted stranger

Saw you called
Didn’t mean to answer
I’ve done such a good job screening
Sorry to hang up
Didn’t mean to be rude

Took a minute to register the number
But my brain remembered
And my body went cold
It was such a visceral experience
I started shaking
I almost cried

But I didn’t

I held my head up
And decided I didn’t want any sweat shop clothes
I walked home
Took steps on familiar streets
But without you
This past life
no longer mine
I laugh at moments
“Mo money mo problems”
Those new york tourist traps
I’ll continue to explore

I miss you

It hurts
But I’m okay

I’m sure I will be triggered

This will be a challenge
But I am ready to leap

I have fallen in love…

with Quebec
with Bixi
with Montreal
with the mountains…
with the ocean
with the pointy trees between the puffy trees

I have fallen in love…
with life

Wide eyed and excited
The world is my oyster

***
I am back!

NYC welcomed me with trash and noise pollution…
and I love every bit of it….red lights and all…

Crossing the border was a bit strange

“So, explain this to me…Korean…but a German citizen?
and a Greencard–how did you get this?”
“German parent, born in Korea?”

HT: “tell them you’re adopted..”

“Oh yes, and I was adopted…and have lived here my whole life..”

“Hmm…”

OMG, am I going to be deported?

“What did you do in Canada? and what are you bringing back?”
“Vacation, just some wine and treats…”

Actually, lots of booze and some maple cookies for the office..
Hooray for duty free and cheap booze!!!

“Okay, well watch out for the moose…”

What?

We crossed the border and entered Maine

Beautiful…

Rivers
Trees
Mountains
Truly a breath of fresh air

I am back
Refreshed
Alive
Happy

still
It’s a bit of a roller coaster and here’s a bump…

Damn you Tappen Zee Bridge, bringing up memories
Another nature trip, moment of falling in love…

Yesterday marked the day I headed east
towards the George Washington Bridge

the view that stole my heart and gave it to New York
the trip of a lifetime that would break it
this new life that has changed me more than i can understand..

But this trip with HT helped me repave the road with new memories
even in the trash bag we dragged cross country..

Driving in Montreal, very cute part of town
black trash bag in the middle of the road

I drive right over it

H: “and we drive over the bag of trash…”
K: “oh well”
H: “I think we’re dragging it with us now, why do we always have to enter cities like this!?”

the bag has followed our path
I removed it on 24th street as I got gas

Chateau Impala, Dan Black

lots of cookies…

talks of new paintings
swamp trees
pretty scenes vs dark scenes
abstraction!

Getting lost in new cities
Breathing in the mountain air
Watching spiders spin their webs
Waiting to get into the “hotel”…aka the parking lot…
Wishing I knew French…

“Quebec is very quiet, only five murders a year…”
~adorable gas station attendant somewhere between
Quebec and Maine

Flying J shower, I even did some sit ups on the floor…
Being a fruit fly in “le village”
A few “therapeutic chats”
Wanting to kill each other at moments
I am pretty stubborn and hate being wrong
but still

So much happiness

Laughing
lots of it

good food
bad food
too much junk food

Hiking
Walking
Biking
Driving
Dancing

Reminiscing
and most importantly

Growing.

I hold onto myself and my love

This girl
Always on the run
One foot out the door

Let herself fall in love and love someone!
Challenged herself

This is what i hold onto…

So here I am…

I am in love…
with love

and Quebec…

and life.

*source*

we grow, we shift, we change.

day 15 passed and i realized what i want…

and deserve…

a partnership with someone. someone that is willing to put as much work into something as i am. a “team”, so to speak. a friend, a lover, someone that respects me, supports me, loves me, pushes me to be better, laughs at me, laughs with me. a person to catch me if i fall.

it’s not just the falling in love part that’s beautiful, but the staying in love and working together.

realize who you are, what you are, what you have, what you love.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I’m starting to write less

to forget how much time has passed

I’m starting to feel again

breathe

live

love

I’m going to be alright

I guess actions do speak louder than words.

okay, so after some endorphins, zen tea, coffee, dried fruit, conversations, gchats, and thoughts to myself, i figured out where i’m at.

yesterday was a rough day, very reactionary, full of reminders, and emotional

today i’m reminded of something else: my honesty to myself

today i read and reread the chapter about a motherless daughter and anxious ambivalent relationships. my last relationship, was in fact, the first relationship that i didn’t want to run from. didn’t want to ditch or make excuses for. i learned a lot from this, and the worst thing i could do is head backwards by surrounding myself with people that i know could never meet my expectations or needs.

i am making myself a new promise. while i’m not putting a dates on anything or making any blanket promises (no use making promises, i may not be able to keep, only leads to dissapointment), i can say that i will do my best to surround myself with actual love. things i love, volunteering, music, singing, art, wine, charades, animals, the ocean, etc.

i can and will let myself meet people, but i will try do to my best to be with people that have to get to know all of me. understand me.

find a heart that’s similiar to mine.

something i won’t want to run from, someone i won’t want to “avoid” and “ditch” all the time–as is my past being a “serial dater.”

love will find me again, but i have to let it. for right now, the love i need to find is in my heart and the people i spend my time with and the things i do.

here i am, moving ahead, still forward. one step at a time.

my promise to myself is…
to do the very best i can to surround myself with love
stay strong
wear my heart on my sleeve, but not too much, as this can show the weakness and strength
be my free spirited self, and find someone who appreciates ALL OF ME
let the cat decide who she likes

i know my triggers and that my triggers are reactionary. making me want to feel immediate satisfaction. so, now i have a plan. if i’m ever triggered i will write my thoughts or delete the reminders immediately. this way i’m not reading and wondering. i think this will help.

~~~~~~~

up and down
spinning
all around
but it’s okay

lots of emotions
but today
I am about 1,000 molecules better

in and out
turned the corner
in my life
time passes
built a life
and then

POOF

you’re gone.

*source*

i just read something about forgiveness

if it takes forgiveness to get over this

i forgive you
i forgive myself

i forgive the people that walk in front of me,
as i thought about forgiving you on my walk back,
reminding me of the patience you taught me

i forgive the sun for shining too bright and bringing too much heat
i forgive those that say all the wrong things
i forgive you for pulling out those gray hairs
i forgive time for passing so slowly and fast

i forgive the reminders

i forgive it all

i’ll repeat these words until they are all of me

as my tears spill over this city
i give it something

i walk
i run
i forgive
i leave a trail of beauty behind
i look forward
i will shoot love out of my veins
i will walk dogs, give my smile to strangers, sing, laugh, breathe
i will give all of my love
until it finds me again

i radiate beauty
i am
i am everything

i’m thankful
grateful
for love
our love

it was beautiful

this will not be forgotten

i am vulnerable
i am fragile
but i am strong

as i get stronger
the pain still lingers

this roller coaster is turbulent
but turbulence makes us grow

i forgive you for making me hurt
i forgive the pain
i forgive the time
i forgive these words

i forgive technology for reminders
i forgive the notes that make me wonder where you are
i forgive the space in between
i forgive the laughter and secrets no longer shared

i am feeling it all
i forgive these moments
this pain
i feel it all
everything
it’s so damn turbulent

i forgive you for all of it

i will repeat these words until they are all of me

i even thank you for this pain
i’m remembering who i am

i’m finding myself
loving myself
laughing at myself
being myself

i forgive myself for all of the things
imagined
wished
hoped
chances i wanted and couldn’t have

you will leave my mind
you will be forgiven

you will be loved
but you will be gone
you are
you are

*source*