I was waiting for it to break me. Or something. The pressure and the weight had been so overwhelming. It’s funny how your head, heart, and your gut  (the deepest part) can have conversations with one another – yet no one is heard. Noise is created and ignored.

Until it’s not anymore.

And you say the words you desperately didn’t want to say.
But the moment they leave, the weight seems to dissipate.

The molecules are shifting and the time is moving. forward, forward, and on.

You wish it worked out differently. You really do.
You wish new words could be shared and new laughs could be had.

But something brings you back. To focus. To clarity. Questions abound and you’re reminded that new words and new laughs will be shared. In time.

In time.

I won’t get mad
And I won’t break in two
‘Cause I understand you
I’ll take this change
And let my clothes soak with rain
As I study orchid blooms

And some can’t live unless they feed on fallen leaves
And so you’ll let me down to come alive when you comfort me

I’ve watched you change,
I’ve heard your words rearrange
Way back from the start
And if I did teach you anything at all
I hope it was to love with all your heart
And they open wide with imperfect symmetry
And so you’ll love like you, and I will love like me

And to be reborn
They have to go to seed
So angel, you will have to set me free

- maria taylor

*source* 

I read these great prose pieces and writings by people that are learning to forgiven themselves.
I think about forgiveness and self-love.
I tell people that it’s the thing that matters the most.
I know this is true.

But when it comes to myself and actually being what I say.
I must confess, I can’t. It’s hard. I struggle.

I make mistakes. I hurt people. I say mean things. I ruin moments. I ruin everything. I feel like I ruin everything. I can never keep my mouth shut. There are moments of so much self-loathing that I wish could somehow make my body inside out. I just wish there was a different way to experience this pain. This terrible, unforgiving hatred.

I hate this feeling.
I can’t stand it.
I know it’s not right.

There is part of myself. Somewhere In. My brain. My skin. My organs, that know that I’m far too harsh on myself. That overlook the full situation and only see my wrong doings, but they are so overcome. So overwhelmed. So.

I wish I wasn’t so emotional. That I didn’t have so much feeling. That I didn’t feel anything.

I know this is an extreme, but in this moment. I can’t stand myself, but I’ll keep moving ahead. Work through these lists. Updates in content management systems. Thank you notes for my volunteers. Silly gchats and I’ll sip this coffee. I’ll feel it in my stomach. I’ll write these emails and I’ll keep reading words of inspiration. I’ll think and I’ll dream. I’ll wish I didn’t feel this way. And maybe I’ll be distracted enough to not. But it will be back. It always is.

i am my own lifeline

darkness finds it’s way into my heart. into my mind. into my words.

i say things without thinking.
i think things without doing.

“what’s the point?” that harsh voice asks.
“it’s all already been done. you’re not good enough anyway.” it teases.

“…but you love it and it makes you happy…” a tiny voice struggles to speak

i am my own problem, but i am my own lifeline.

maybe this realization is part of “the point.”
the “action step” for my list-loving mind is self-love.

I have been with the darkest parts of myself.

The parts filled with self-hatred, the ones that can’t find kindness.

The parts that think no matter what, I’m just not enough. Not creative enough, Not thin enough, not smart enough, not aware enough, not caring enough, not there enough. 

Just not enough.

These parts care far too much about what they, he, she, and you will think.

…

But we all have our parts. They are what make us … well us. They are raw. They are real.

And maybe…just maybe,  it’s better to stand face to face with these parts. To really sit with them, to hold their hand and remind them of kindness and light.

Tell them to grasp something…anything…and just hold on. Just be.

And maybe…just maybe, with enough   s p a c e  that tiny, stronger voice will come back.

It will say, enough to those harsh voices.

and it will be okay.

**

Love,

a stronger you from another moment in time…

let your creative spirit rush * flow * tumble * leak * spring * bubble * steam * dribble * out of you…

a little reminder from the lovely words of sark and something i’ve been trying to live by lately.

i feel like alice

falling
i hate that
trying to find comfort in my own words
i hope they will catch me.

fall is here. making me frustrated. making me forgetful. making me wish i could forget.

11:11
11:11
11:11

*

i must remember compassion
and to be kind to myself.

this is an honest moment.
i don’t like it. but i will wake feeling refreshed, renewed, and okay.

i am okay.
i am okay.

what is green?
the grass is green
money is green
jealousy is green
i don’t like green jelly beans
i like lime green sherbet
green is a pretty color
it’s the center of ROY G BIV
apparently, the heart chakra is also green
is love green?
will i find a green glass love? (this is a thoroughly modern millie reference)

Last Friday I participated in my first art installation piece ~ meaning it was up for about two hours before I took it down, leaving only rose petals behind.

If you were anywhere near Strawberry Fields you probably saw a path of streamers…

If you followed it, you were invited to interact and explore my exhibit which represented what “green” meant to me.

It was a path to all the parts of love…(from my point of view)…

…including the bubbly, sparkly parts…

…and the times when it’s a little more tangled.

The piece really represented “self love”, which I have learned is the most important. If you have this, everything else falls into place.

My art piece was only the beginning. A guided mediation was led by Anthony, which encouraged participants to explore “giving” and “receiving” love through touch.

There was music…

dancing and meditation.

It appeared quite peaceful from this point of view…

**
The event itself was new to me. It was really interesting, but fun. You had to let yourself go a bit, but once you did it was refreshing in a way. A bunch of strangers saying hello with a touch of a hand surrounded by the trees. It really provided a break from the city.

There were many people involved, including dancers, artists, healing artists, musicians, and every day people walking by. It was hosted by TREeplays and the ID project.

Concept and Direction by Kristen Schifferdecker of Red Novae.

Thanks for letting me be part of such an interesting experience, and teaching me to let go a bit.

My art has taken a turn. This realization has been pretty exciting.

Last year was pretty turbulent and was reflective in my paintings. It’s really interesting to look at the progression from then to now. My good friend, Kristen, also helped me see this transition!

Colors were a bit blurry and everything was a bit muddy.

There was a lot of chaos and little detail.

I just needed a way to get through the muck…

It really was about release..

But lately something has really changed.

Maybe it’s a reflection of my life..
I’m happy and sharing love as much as I can.
It’s all about the details and looking a little closer..
And remembering why I love art in the first place..

I like creating landscapes of color and daydreams.
Little worlds to escape into.

Like this one I did for a friend last year..

and this for my friend’s baby, Georgia Faith.

My art is best when I’m feeling the love!

Lately, I have had lots of thoughts running through my mind.

Needless to say, it brings up a bit of stress.
Or maybe I just wish we had nicer weather..

Whenever I feel “stressed, annoyed, bla, insert-your-word-here” I find that doing stuff with my fingers helps me relax.

A few weeks ago, one of my colleagues gave me an air pack. It has been sitting on my desk for the perfect moment..ready to be popped.

I am waiting for the perfect moment to pop this, but until then I thought it would be fun to pop some other things.

So I’ve been cutting out shapes of bubble wrap for my popping pleasure and giving them to friends.

Take that gray day!

I’ll pop you away!

Ahh, feeling better already!