past and present over hot cider...

5:43 pm EST/4:43 pm CST

I am in Iowa. Right now I am sitting at Cup of Joe with reliable internet and alternating sips of hot cider and cold water. I feel the slight pulse of a headache in my temples....the most wonderful thing just happened. i realized i had more time than i thought! 5:43 was speeding towards 6:00 and I have dinner plans at 6:30, which meant leaving in 15 minutes for a 30 minute drive, but then the glorious thing happened while looking at my phone to see what things I hadn't finished from the list. I realized was actually 4:44 CST. Phew. More water. More breath. More of this. There's something about being home that always makes me slightly anxious - or something - I can't put my finger on it. In the past five years, I've probably spent a cumulative total of one week at my house. The childhood one. The one where you can probably find a dried pile of cat puke from 15 years ago (yes, really). The one with memories of a kitchen that are too hard to think about, but that always flash through the brain upon entering the door. Too many t-h-i-n-g-s from too many years passed. The thing about those approximate seven days is that whenever I've returned/return to the place I now call home (from 88th Street, 94 Street, 135 Street, to my favorite place with the two cats and the occasional fresh cat puke for they absolutely hate their lysine-mixed wet food) wishing I'd spent just a little longer at the childhood home. Coming home is an instant reminder of where you're from, and what you are from. What parts you decided to leave behind and what parts are still lingering in the tiniest bits of the soul? Or perhaps they aren't tiny at all, because this sudden collision of thoughts happens and you realize that these new thoughts and old memories are everything that define you and make you, well you. You are one with all of it. The small girl, who grew up way too fast and who was actually rather lonely despite being surrounded by cats is now a woman with the curious heart of a child, still loving cats and people, but still struggles with moments of loneliness despite being surrounded with loved ones and having cracked the tough nut that is self-love. But the shell has been cracked and it's constantly learning new things. I am learning new things; about myself, the world, and how I want to be. In this moment, with past and present colliding, I am thankful for all of it. I am thankful for friends, family, chaos, cats, art, expression, technology, other people's writing, and so much more. I am thankful and excited for future moments and new dreams. I am just thankful.....and on this trip home, I am spending justabit more time at the childhood house.