happy, merry all the things

“It’s a little, a lot”.

Granted, I am the one who leaned into the plot twist of grad school while managing Tivoli, and the timing has worked out justcloseenough for me not to fully lose my mind.

Looking out the window, I can see the edges of the sky at the tops of the trees and an actual forest. I still miss seeing the full span of the horizon, especially at sunset, but there are also new things to take in. Little birds darting around, likely excited because I filled the bird feeder. Cat-TV will be in full swing shortly.

I love this time between the holidays. Through all of the gatherings, the world seems to quiet, ever-so-slightly. I find it so curious that The Solstice marks the shortest day of the year and the beginning of winter, and the very next day, the light returns ever-so-slightly.

I have a pile of admin to get to this year, and it will be finished next year. It gives me a bit of anxiety, but I am also learning to let go. Time is a curious thing, too, because there will always be a pile of admin of some sort. When I grasp at the time, feeling like there isn’t enough of it, I lose my mind. Ironically, dropping it all and taking time to go for a walk or anything to bring me to presence is actually what helps.

It’s been a big year. No one needs the list of things, but what I’ll share is that buying a house in the middle of nowhere (we’re still about 30 min from Troy/Albany) brought up a lot. It’s one thing to buy a house and learn about water softener, but having mold issues and then having to cut holes into the walls and floor and seemingly everywhere … well, that, too, became “a little, a lot.”

I also fully recognize how lucky I am to have a home and everything I have. Still, I have long learned that life is a paradox of multiple, swirling, opposing emotions and navigating them simultaneously. And so, while it is wonderful, the experience has brought up some deep, old wounds. Perhaps it was also losing my childhood home last year, learning to live with my illness by learning to listen to my body, or maybe it was just the nightmare plumbing, but I have been mining the oldest parts of myself and with the support of an incredible healer (and friends!), I have been healing in ways I didn’t know were possible, and I am so damn grateful for it.

I thought I had cracked the tough nut of self-love, that it was about learning to love this being that I am embodying. To care for the vessel. That we’re all energy in human form, and that we never know the story we’ll be given, and we need to learn to love that being and its story.

But/and, like a petal forming, something new unfurled/is unfurling.

This next part is about letting go of all of the conditioning ~ stories from my subconscious, shit I picked up that wasn’t/isn’t even mine, being more discerning with my energy and deciding who I want to be in this life. Maybe it’s about remembering my soul and how it is truly all connected.

Like waves to the ocean, we are the waves, and we are all the ocean.

I’ve always felt a sense of reaching as if there’s a part of me yearning for something more. This is why I am such a seeker, but I am learning that the reaching goes both ways. I wonder if our souls also long to connect with our deepest parts, the ones buried away that require deep dredging and a lot of love. Perhaps there’s a connection between our inner life and something more. There is something about uncovering all the layers, finding our purest self, and also learning to embrace a moment. I think/hope we’ve all experienced those moments where we can be fully present and feel the aliveness of everything. You feel warm and fuzzy and can’t help but have gratitude for it all. Perhaps it’s these fleeting moments where the soul is truly here, not just on its way elsewhere or thinking of crossing things off the list, that we are really alive. I believe there is so much unseen magic around us at all times, or maybe those magical moments are just our “soul/sparkle” selves, trying to remind us of something more, to be present and grateful for it because none of us know how long we have.

I realize this is likely fully non-sensical, and everyone wants me to get on with it, but this year’s card is really just a digital version of my morning pages, and I want to end with an invitation.

For whoever happens up on this holiday card reflection, be open and find a way to keep your heart open.

Yes, there is an awful lot of fuckery happening, but/and (because it’s always an “and”) I still believe in us. In all of us. We’re all capable of being all the things we don’t want to be (I sure as hell know this because the first parts of this recent healing were not my favorite, but thank goodness I didn’t give up on myself when it felt hard). It is about learning to accept all of our parts and being open to surprise and delight as we let ourselves grow.

Change is the only constant, and I am so grateful for how I’ve transformed this year. Transformation is not easy, though; there is something about being in the discomfort of it ~ staying, pausing, and finding our way through.

In a collective sense, if we can lean in and through the discomfort of differences, maybe we can find our way to each other again. On a personal level, I’ve realized that my heart can hold so much more than I ever thought possible. Truly, the more I experience, the more open I become.

I read that the more we allow ourselves to be transformed, the more our art/work can be transformative for others, and so, as I enter a season of painting and prepping for my thesis*, it is becoming my biggest wish. For my work to make some sort of difference, even the tiniest one ~ to be part of a great, cosmic healing and keep holding the flame to remember our connection to each other, the earth, all of it.

Healing truly happens in spirals, and it all comes in waves.

~

Below is our holiday card. I wrote this song on NYE last year (2023), and Brendan thought it would be nice to use it for this year’s card. I had workshoped a part with a friend in early January and reworked it last week, and I think this version is the keeper.

The volume isn’t great and I haven’t done music in months, but the lyrics are below. I hope you enjoy it!

Here’s to more music, adventures, love, and kindness in the New Year and beyond.

Happy, merry all the things.

xoxo, forever.

*p.s. Friends, bear with me over the next six months/maybe forever, but definitely for a bit. I am vowing not to make any official plans (beyond the ones I have), and it will be more about impromptu things and locking in for my thesis show. I hope to create the best paintings I’ve ever made. If you toodle around the website, you’ll notice I’ve added some recent work. :)

♥

Happy New Year

Hey good lookin’ whatcha cookin for supper tonight
I had a raspberry chewy and now I'm flying high
Happy New Year I'll see you on the other side
Here's to hoping everything'll stay merry and bright

But we know it's just a shift in time
And tomorrow's thoughts will be part of the lifeline

When the confetti falls, let's meet right here
And see how far we've come in another year
Where the trees grow tall, we'll have a brand new start
and we'll learn to welcome all these parts.

They'll days when it seems like the sun'll never come out
I wonder what it's thinking behind the clouds?
The lights comin' back, the birds'll be singing their songs
We'll be dancing with the moon and stars all night long.

But we know it's just a flash of delight
And yesterday's fears can become hindsight

When the champagne flows, let's meet again
And see how far we've come and where we've been.
The storms may rage, but the skies will break
and we'll keep on spinning through it all
while the world keeps on spinning through it all.

Hey good lookin’ whatcha doing at midnight tonight
Let's find some mistletoe and kiss another year goodbye
I hope we're celebrating new year's all of our lives
Here's to everything and every moment we arrive.

Kim Tateo