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I admittedly spend way too much time wondering what people will think. Starting and re-starting sentences because I'm worried that they will come off "too" something. What makes up this "too" can change at any given time, for a multitude of reasons.And then there's the point of why?

You see, I have a love/hate relationship with technology, social media and the likes of it. I appreciate this digital space and that my thoughts live in a "cloud" and don't clutter up my actual living space. But if I'm honest, it can take an effort to keep the intentions pure.

For me, that means maintaining a space for self-reflection and memories because I like taking photos, looking back at random posts and remembering how I felt.

I took a break from writing for awhile to be more present, but I realized that these things can live in tandem--one can be mindfully present, while being a person that likes taking photos and writing mini-reflections.Sometimes those writings help us frame the memory.

When I listen to my best self I'm reminded that I shouldn't care what anyone will think if I share yet another flower photo or write about my super-sappy feelings on love.Looking at this seemingly simple behavior (to blog or not), helps me reflect on subtle ways of "either/or" thinking and, once again, reminds me to find center.

With that, here are some snaps from a near-Christmastime trip to Charleston.

not pictured: sneaking into corners around the city while drinking a full bottle of white wine given to us by our lovely Airbnb host, how friendly and HUGE that fluffy cat was, seeing thousands of washed up starfish on the shore and trying to save them only to find out later it might not have helped and how sad that made me, eating the most delicious food ever at Husk...omg the bread and butter. yum.

I tried finding a quote to express my gratitude, but I couldn't.

My feelings are hard to put into words; they are a bundle of nerves carried inside this body. A brain capable of stringing too many words together in long sentences. Excitement rushes through me and my fingers click away, but the truth is that there are many ways for me to express this love.

I hope that I am lucky enough to have years upon years to say it simply, to say it softly, and to dance it out.

//
pictured: photos of us on the Williamsburg bridge moments after Brendan proposed! 
not pictured: the little jumping beans that were in my heart the moment it happened (and YES, I was surprised!), how tired and excited we were because the length of our walk home doubled since I had to stop and kiss him every five seconds, and how hard it was to walk through the apartment quietly when all I really wanted to do was sing and dance and twirl the cats in happiness. 

A little Christmas card of sorts.

It's been amazing year. I found the love of my life, better known as my "sparkle partner". Before Brendan I never used this term, but the day I met him my heart sparked in a way that was unlike anything I had felt before. I am so thrilled that I've found someone I can share adventures with. I really have never felt so loved, beautiful, and appreciated.

For all of these reasons (and the fact that he's so willing to be playful with me [like in this video!] !!) he is my "sparkle partner".

I hope you all have a wonderful holiday, full of Love and of course, sparkles.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

♥♥

//

I was working on something else when Brendan said the sky was a pretty color. Little did he know (or perhaps he did; since he knows me so well), that this small comment would turn into one of those "keepers" moments. As soon as I saw the moon I grabbed my camera and his hand and we ran (carefully) to the roof to catch the last bits. I don't remember what we talked about, but I know we laughed. This happened sometime in September or October - I have no idea - time has just been going . so . quickly.

Lately, we've been walking the bridge. The first night was magical. I remember the shakiness of the bridge and the warmth of our two hands squeezed in one pocket. It was foggy that evening and there was a full moon. The sky was nearly the same color as the bridge making it seem like we were walking towards a looming monster. Halfway on the bridge, I stopped and gave Brendan a giant bear hug - the kind where you almost knock someone over. I explained that my hug was "squeezing that moment into my memory"; meaning it was something I never wanted to forget.

The thing is, I might.

Because these new experiences and these magical moments continue in a way where they become routine. I do not mean this in a negative way, but I'm really feeling into the fact that change is the only constant -- and that it doesn't always equal loss.

**pictured: That sunset | an awesome dance party with two of my favorite people that ended with sparklers! | morning rays | a boat-ride upstate to Oktoberfest where the food was, unfortunately, unforgettably horrible. | friends, friends, friends.

//Meeting the "parent sparkles" was marvelous. I have never felt more at home. I really hate saying the word "perfect", but our weekend together really was. Even when Mr. Fox (the cute lil dog) barfed on me when boating - chunks and all. Luckily, I was able to jump right into the water.Not pictured: playing my favorite drawing game, my excitement over seeing the dolphins, and all of the beautiful heartfelt conversations.

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NY Cares Day 2014.

• Thanks to all of my dear friends for late nights of sketching and planning. Admittedly, it seemed quite impossible until you all pitched in. (even with the intense chevron pattern, it turned out so beautiful!)

• Thanks to the amazing volunteers for painting and having fun! You were all brilliant and fabulous!

• Thanks to the school for the great ideas and allowing us to sketch so late and special thanks to Colleen for being an amazing site captain!

I hope the kids love their new mural!not pictured: talking about our "magical" rendering of Washington D.C. with the students that helped paint (one was very proud for being her 3rd grade class president), my hourly "fun" check-in's, and the secret project that the same students decided to do on a SIDE wall. they kept coming over to us and asking if they could paint circles - i assumed they meant the circles for the "Banneker" text and encouraged their help! so we were all very surprised to find a NEW mural when turning the corner, but luckily the school has an amazing principal and parent-teacher coordinator with a great sense of humor. thanks again to everyone for making it such a magical and lovely day!  

♥

--

previous murals: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6

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Just a little place for the fall. 

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Nature is one of my favorite reminders of the beauty of this life. Thanks friends, for making this such a magical trip and to Kevin for sharing his "Dilruba".

Not pictured: Driving the "church van" through the parking lot - which was pretty much the same height and terrifying | Sparkle interviews *:･ﾟ | Holding hands in the kitchen and passing energy balls (meaning a squeeze from one hand to the next and seeing if it could make it's way around the circle - it did!) | The hot tub dance party and pretty much making our own night time music video to Taylor Swift's Shake It Off - even (some) of the boys got into it! | Wondering when the solo leaf at the very tippy top of the tree outside the house would fall off and creating stories around falling leaves | Windham's Pumpkin Festival and the massive amounts of chicken and pumpkin treats that were eaten.  

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This was an amazing follow up to our last friend's outing, except this time we added some people which meant more fun, getting a larger house and larger vehicles. I drove the "church van" and Brandon drove the "dad van". The fall foliage was at it's peak and we had many moments.

Full set

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I've never been good with goodbyes, but we had a great send off for our dear friends with delicious Mexican food and shuffleboard (both of these places: Just Go. Yum and Fun!). It will be wonderful to visit them in the sunshine state in the colder months. Other miscellany includes impromptu date nights with square ice cubes on rooftops, finding juices on the Highline, and soaking up the last of September days.

**not pictured: Sitting next to Joseph Gordon-Levitt at the amazing planetarium show. (We did not bother him, but secretly I thought it was cool! hehe)

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We almost missed the train, but I'm so glad we didn't. At midnight we rushed to Penn Station and made it just in time to take the train to Montauk. After a restless sleep (and getting yelled at by a train conductor because apparently we were in the wrong car) we arrived just after 4:00 am. The air was cool, but you could feel the last bits of summer holding on. (One) of my favorite parts is walking to the beach. It's nearly pitch black, but the air is salty and the waves sound intimidatingly enormous. It's incredible just how fast the sky shifts from a sparkle blanket and shooting stars to the best color show you've ever seen. The darkest blues, brightest pinks, deep purples, and deep orange.We snuggled and danced and watched a seagull find a leftover pizza. The rest of the day was full of adventure, as all the days have been since I met my sparkle partner. *

*via the lovely Bess Adler 

**

It was a lovely summer. Full of friends, celebrations of love, kitty snuggles, kisses, mountain adventures, midnight trains to Montauk, beach days, sparklers (!), and so much more.

Per the usual, I noticed the shifting season at the end of July, but I wasn't as overcome as I usually am with the worry and fear of the fall. I've been painting a bunch and have a whole new series that I can't wait to share. Some of the paintings have been in progress for several months and even still - they aren't quite finished. I was deep into painting tiny little dots with a number 2 long liner, when I had a revelation: Tiny Brush Meditation.

What was (is) missing from many of these are the tiniest of details. When pausing to ask myself if I'd rather have the painting "finished", I reminded myself that I enjoy the process of painting. I love creating, mixing colors, and making little moments. Sometimes I pretend that the little details of white are tiny spirits coming to life.In many ways, this can be translated to my day-to-day life. While I have a grand vision for what I want to be doing and how much I'd like to hold onto moments of happiness and keep them in pretty, little boxes; I know I can't. That there are lots of moments and changes to come. That I can only have some idea of what's in store, but the only thing I can really control is myself. Not to mention, the actual living part of life can be rather enjoyable. When you let it.

*

More photos of summer. 

**Once upon a time, there was the tiniest of tiny fairies. To the human eye, she was a mere speck of dust. She floated about the world, traveling from place to place. She had many adventures and enjoyed the animals. It goes without saying that there were times of sadness, some bumps, falls, and times of feeling stuck. Sometimes the loneliness hung around like a thin veil over her eyes, but she always found herself happiest when lost in thought and dreams. One day while floating along, she saw something shiny – a thin strand of silver, full of life and sparkles, but a simple gray hair to most. She floated to it and instantly found herself flying. The world started to twist and turn in ways she hadn't imagined—the flowers she used to sleep on opened into never-ending pathways of glitter. The light was golden, but the sky was bright, and the trees were emerald. In the evening, it opened into thousands of magical stars, all seemingly in conversation with one another.

The world of magic she dreamt of was real and a new lightness came over her.

One evening while watching the sun say goodnight to the moon, she noticed the most beautiful thing she had ever seen. It felt like she had been struck by lightning and disassembled into a million pieces of air. The feeling was weightless yet grounding, as if she was a tree with deep roots. As she got closer, she noticed that it was another fairy. He had the kindest eyes and warmest smile she had ever seen.

"Hello!" she exclaimed – she was sure she whispered, but apparently was shouting with excitement.

The hello's turned into more hello's and rarely turned into goodbyes. The connection was effortless, and they continued to drift along, exploring the magical world together. They enjoyed the joyous laughter of a tall boy with dark curls when walking by a store called, Dilruba, so much that they decided to name their own world after it....this is a little map of part of their world.

Happiest of happy birthdays to the man that made me realize magic was real.

**Exploring an abandoned apartment building/hotel (?) somewhere in Pennsylvania (post Poconos trip).

Not pictured: The absolute eeriness of the place. 

//

It's interesting to look back at old posts on this space. Some moments are cringeworthy because they remind me of the times when I tried so hard, leaving a certain melancholy hidden in overly happy writing. Part of me that wishes I could erase large parts of my past because sometimes I hate thinking that there was ever anything before this effortless happiness I've found. But I realize that sometimes it takes going in a few circles before you realize that there really is a simplicity to it all. It likely took all those turns in order for me to figure out what was most important. Be true to yourself. Be honest with what you want.

I wish I'd done this sooner - truly - because ever since I gave myself permission to be me, I've been happier than I've ever been and I'm just so, so thankful. ♥

**pictured: a midnight birthday kiss while playing with light and open shutters. the second photo shows what it's like to drop your phone...

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Ten awesome friends, two days, lots of sparklers, SO much laughter (too many inside jokes to even write), FIREWORKS, The Delaware Water gap (what a shitty swimming hole! at least the part we paid $10 for was), exploring an abandoned building (picks TK!), late night conversations with a giant super moon ... these are the days of summer and they are glorious.I can't wait for our next friend trip!

full set | #poconoswhatyoudidthissummer

Not pictured: Just how much I love sparklers and the maniacal laugh that came out of me when I lit all of them on fire. Hayden almost captured it. | Getting stung by some sort of insect while sharing the story of the early days of my new love. |Texts between "car 1" and "car 2" | sparkle* | the "sorting" game that I was convinced we were playing where people had to put their empty drink container in a corner | Our midnight bakery which started with cheddar biscuits and ended with multiple combinations of bread and cheese (this was not a healthy weekend and we didn't mind one bit.) | The lovely moments I had with all of my special friends. So far, my 30's are fabulous.  

p.s. thanks to car 1 for the awesome hashtags.

he followed the sun & she followed the stars & in dreams they listened closely for the beginning of all things, for that was where they knew they'd find each other. 

* 

In that moment, our eyes met & I remember thinking This is what it is like to be struck by lightning, knowing I would never be untouched by him again. 

via storypeople. ♥ 

**

Fireworks, friends, singing, waking up early to watch the sunrise and enjoying long sunsets. What a perfect weekend. Although, it was a little strange to find the random person sleeping on our roof at 5:00 am.

Not pictured: Getting to ride on the back of a motorcycle! Our family is too big for one little car! | The funny cards on the Evil Apples game (it's just like Cards Against Humanity, but in an app-version. You just need a good wi-fi connection!) | Our amazing rendition of Cell Block Tango | Just how much my heart sparkles for my handsome, dreamy man - the fireworks got nothing on my love sparkles. *✧*