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Lost
Stand still.
The trees ahead and bushes beside you
Are not lost.
Wherever you are is called
Here,
And you must treat it as a powerful stranger,
Must ask permission to know it and be known.
The forest breathes.
Listen.
It answers,
I have made this place around you.
If you leave it, you may come back again, saying
Here.
No two trees are the same to Raven.
No two branches are the same to Wren.
If what a tree or a bush does is lost on you,
You are surely lost. Stand still. The forest knows Where you are. You must let it find you.
David Wagoner**
I heard part of this poem while listening to a Tara Brach podcast. I loved both. ♥
The actual ending of a thing can happen rather abruptly. Short, quick, cutting words that change the terms of the relationship.
Then there's the shit ton of space that appears after—suddenly the world is open and terrifying. Those fallen words signify that everything that was intertwined is now going to unravel.
I've been on both sides of the thing*, but it's only now that I truly understand the weight of being the one to let go.
It is fucking hard.
Letting go because something deep in the core says it's just not right.
No wrong, no fault. It just wasn't. Despite all of the ways it could have been...Being the one to let go doesn't make it easier. It didn't stop the night my body was taken over by this thing. This sad, sad thing. When I sobbed and fell to my floor. Just sobbing and reaching. Curling myself into a ball wishing I could curl myself into nothing.
*Oh this life.
The circles. The switching of places—being put where someone was, only to better understand the whole thing.
I remember being thrilled to get to the other side (in different matter of the heart), but now I think it's just about getting to another side.
Constant movement. Rotating spaces. Shifting. Forward, forward, on and through.*
I take comfort in believing that we are all connected.
That somehow.....it works itself out.
That we're all from the same thing—a gigantic love sparkle bubble that is life. An extraordinary thing that we can't really understand.
That we will all be together again. Those we've hurt, loved, disliked, envied, all of it.
Maybe the thing isn't meant to be understood. Only explored. Or something.--* though, as a friend pointed out - there are many sides to the thing.
Most things will be okay eventually, but not everything will be. Sometimes you'll put up a good fight and lose. Sometimes you'll hold on really hard and realize there is no choice but to let go. Acceptance is a small, quiet room. | Cheryl Strayed
Grief does not change you.... It reveals you. | John Green
This is a good sign, having a broken heart. It means we have tried for something. | Elizabeth Gilbert
It's never too late to post photos, right? Right.
//Happy New Year!This was a painting I did for my dear friend, Calee. Yay to long-lasting friendships and her wonderful, bright, creative soul.♡
* so for those dear friends that aren't in this video, i hope you know that i adored our moments just as much. even if they aren't here.
//
There's about a zillion things I could say about this past year. There were moments that were so freaking wonderful, I couldn't even put words to them. There were some that were equally as tough and also have no words, but they probably wouldn't be for sharing anyway.
The end of a year is always interesting. There's a collective pause and thoughts are gathered. Memories are revisited and promises are set for the upcoming year. What's lovely is that everyone has something different. Some choose to share them, some choose to keep them close. I'm one of those people that's annoyingly behind a camera. I like looking through the lens and capturing moments. I love pretty things and animals and I'm sure I take the same shots every year. Except this year, I started taking little videos. I don't shoot everything, because that would be way too much and there wouldn't be much room for actual living*.
But when I looked back to see what I had, I realized that while 2013 certainly had some patches of just going through it, it was also filled with much, much more. For that, I am ever grateful.
Happy New Year. ♥
Hello lovelies,
It is past my bed time, but I am waiting for Santa to arrive....haha...just kidding. Although, I am certainly in the holiday spirit. How could I not be with all of the holiday movies on repeat!? Seriously, I think Elf played three times during our amazing dinner.
I'm currently in Wisconsin where it is the prettiest winter wonderland ever. There is SO. MUCH. SNOW (aka "nature's glitter" per my revelation this morning!) which makes me happy since the past few days of global warming winter in New York have been - quite frankly - freaking. me. out. (okay...given that it's Christmas the b*t*h-fest will stop here)
So.....dear friends, I hope you all have a wonderful (and safe!) holiday filled with friends, family, good food, laughter (!!), pretty lights, funny animals playing in wrapping paper or chasing bows, perhaps an afternoon nap, singing (!) and so many love sparkles you can hardly stand it. More than this, I hope you take a moment to soak it all in. In the midst of opening presents, drinking coffee or mimosas, and singing carols -- STOP whatever you are doing, look around, notice something, and freaking embrace all. of. it. Because THAT moment...is the best present of all of them. No need to instagram or facebook it. Just live it. Merry Christmas/festivus/whatever you celebrate.
Happy day everyone.♥♥
kk
Some photos from Thanksgiving in Iowa. The open roads of Iowa. Something about them always clears my mind. Family Knitting lessons! Morning light from my bedroom window. My uncle's gardening notes - my favorite, " ~ ten onions are missing" [what a lucky rabbit!] One of my best friends from high school. This cross is also a cell phone tower. Desserts from the Motley Cow. My adorable friend Calee and her amazing boyfriend. Aren't they lovely! Driving on Bloomington street in Iowa City! Corn bins need Christmas love too. The main street in my hometown is how I spent my evenings. Wine and typing.** There's lots to write around the topic of home. I have lots. of. thoughts. But I've recognized that you can't really run away from the place where it all starts.
// Gum-balls in Queens (how I wish I could jump in there!), a walk on the Williamsburg Bridge, lawn ornaments by my house, awesome office friends [seriously, I love these guys], trying to get across town on Halloween (it was hell, but those kids in the townhouse were so funny), and some flora and fauna of the fall. Fall was fun, but I'm glad that tomorrow marks the shortest day of the year because THAT means the days will start getting longer. One microsecond at a time. ♥
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Change doesn't always happen overnight, it happens in small little circles and a shit ton of "back and forths". We have to remember patience and allow enough s p a c e to look honestly at patterns and then figure out what to do with them - if anything. I believe growth comes from recognizing patterns and finding ways to talk about them. Making sure the words coming out of someone's mouth are actually translated properly in the mind. For they are too easily distorted.
Lately, I've found it too difficult to actually BE with myself and whatever's coming up. I've felt disconnected from my body, as if I'm watching the experiences as a shadow. That's not to say I'm not enjoying things because I have had a freaking blast at this month's events (apparently, November was the month for all of my friends to throw parties), but there has been some blue lurking around. Actually, it's more of dull gray. I haven't painted in a few months and can't seem to find it in me to try. I'm too afraid that the paintings will look the same as others I've done, too many swirls and glitter. The inner voice reminding me to just paint is hard to find, it's too lost in a tangle of a bunch of crap.
It's always good to escape the city. To get away from the clusters of crowds, the hurried motion, and immerse yourself into a place where you feel a little more steadied. To feel inspired. I felt better the moment I got off the train in Coldspring. And the woods were filled with little bits of magic everywhere. Tree houses for fairies, a blanket of fallen leaves, and everything was golden. As the sun set, it burned so brightly on along another mountain. It looked electric. I've always felt held in these mountains, protected in a way.
Looking at the photos I am still inspired. When the time is right, I hope to try and capture some of the magic on canvas. Until then, here are my blurry photos (it was quite chilly!).
This is what I have to say to you. In the first stage of the journey you learned to replace harmful beliefs with helpful ones. It was such a relief to let go of negativity that it became a temptation to stay there - to make your home in those newly acquired positive thoughts. But a positive self image is still a mask. The next stage of your journey is becoming comfortable with the unknown. It involves being clear and courageous enough to rest in bare awareness without having to create another identity, without needing to tack yet another belief to the end of "I am."
Experience the expansion, the spaciousness that comes from resting in the truth of unknowing. It isn't comfortable, at least not now, but it is powerful and inherently creative. It's what your soul longs for. Use the sense of vertigo to leave behind the know, and let go of the need to tether your soul to anything solid or definable.
Let yourself go, over and over, until it is second nature to be weightless.
-Danna Faulds, From Root to Bloom
NY Cares Day 2013 @ W.E.B. Debois High School from Kim Kullmer on Vimeo.
This year's New York Cares Day was lit - according to the teens we worked with. The volunteers for this year's event were high school students participating in the Youth Service Program for NY Cares. Since this was a unique opportunity, I wanted to ensure that the students had a say in what was going to be on their walls, so we met a few times before the actual event. Most of them were seniors, so this mural was a chance to leave their mark. We decided on a mural that would depict "Iconic Brooklyn". The final piece was a landscape of Coney Island to the Brooklyn Bridge. One of the teachers suggested adding Jackie Robinson's baseball number, hence the large 42. The students were great to work with. Their energy was inspiring and they. made. us. laugh.
Here's a little video from our day.
♥Thanks to everyone who came and I hope you all had a wonderful time!
Girlfriends, sunshine, and a carnival from the 1920's.What more could a girl ask for on a Sunday afternoon?This little video (from one of my favorite blogs ever) captures Fête Paradiso even more perfectly. full set* "Merry" time is said very tongue-and-cheek because for whatever reason, THAT is what I kept calling the maritime building (shown in first and last photos).
//
One of my favorite things to do when traveling, is to find the places that are a little off the beaten path. This is especially easy to do in Key West (and most places) with a bicycle.This little island is full diversity and extremes with classes, but there is a constant. The gorgeous sunsets that can be seen by all.
*not pictured* - the moment i heard the click of the bike lock, after riding all the way to smather's beach only to realize that we had forgotten the key. hand-to-head | exactly just how close i got to that egret. for a moment, i considered trying to pet it, but decided it wouldn't be worth the potential fall considering i was standing in the water. plus, i don't think egrets like to be pet. | the zillions of no-see-ums (this horrible bug of a creature) that attacked me (i spent days nursing bites after!) | the strange conversation with the cab driver about cuba | riding back in the dark using the flash light on my phone .. until it died .. then riding in the dark - stressful at the time, but fun looking back.
p.s. Don't you just love the way the chickens and cats roam the streets.
there were lots of jellies and they were all this big! aren't they adorable! AND they saved the sea turtle! so many fish! // About 70 miles off of Key West is a lovely, remote island full of nature. It would be the perfect place for the humans to get away from "the walkers" (which btw that show is so good!). It was terribly hot, but so worth it. We spent the day wandering ruins, wondering about the types of conversations birds would have, avoiding jellies, and playing in the water. Could there be anything more perfect? Just look at that blue! not pictured - the sea turtle rescue that happened on the way to the island. apparently, the ferry boat driver (captain?) noticed a sea turtle caught in a buoy the night before, so they had a team (who happened to be a cute couple dressed in the same blue as the day!) come the island for the day to help. i would have watched this sea turtle rescue, but was completely knocked out from the dramamine - as in mouth-hanging-open-sleeping-in-public. a lovely site, i am sure - for nearly the full boat ride there. more photos
There's something about the shift from summer to fall that just gets me, and not necessarily in a good way. The truth is, it starts very early. The shift begins at the end of July - when the sky is the haziest and the leaves are somewhere between slightly-wilted and getting ready to crisp for the fall. Don't get me wrong, there are plenty of things I love about the season; cider and layers and falling leaves and cooler nights. Although, let's be honest ... the best parts of Fall are far too brief in New York. Not enough bright yellow leaves and crisp blue days.
I've gotten much better at identifying the moments that are a little harder for me. The ones that I work really hard to rush through, but feel painfully slow. I've found that in "being" with whatever-comes-up, I'm able to move through it - just a bit faster.
It's easiest for me to get to the other side by noticing the beauty that is everywhere. In the small details of a moment. In the ability to remember and to look forward.It's especially easy when you're away from the city and the Berkshires are perfect for this.
*not pictured* - rushing out of the city, leaving much later than planned, and arriving even later than originally expected - due to lack of cell service, we ended up creeping around houses; looking into windows and everything trying to figure out which one was our destination. it didn't help that there were two houses with the same address, but we decided it was highly unlikely that someone would rent a house with a gaping hole on the front porch. thankfully, we found the house. | kayaking on a big pond and going through the marsh, into the tiny stream of lily pads and wild orchids | having a nice conversation with locals on the water | finding lots of treasures in the woods, including exploding touch-me-nots and toads! | the amazing cookies at the gypsy joynt, the birthday cake cookie was the. best. (if you're ever in great barrington, go. also try this)
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