The past year or so has been an absolute whirlwind. I haven't spent that much time writing about it partly because it felt like a dream and also because of my ongoing, internal debate on sharing and the digital space.

But I actually like to pause and reflect on things. It allows me to really remember my gratitude for the moment -- even if the moment has passed.

Sometimes I need that pause because there are times I get worked up about the future, somehow feeling like I need to plan my next move or the next "big thing". My "planning-mind" has always been a weird place for me to escape to, but I've been trying to challenge it.

Because the truth is, the past year was full of "big things". I quit my full-time job and started working part-time to allow myself more time for art. I used to daydream about time and how I'd spend it, but when actually given some extra hours it was much harder than I thought. So I worked too hard, too long, barely did any art and found myself in a slight creative block (which I'm finally coming out of).

I am one that (unfortunately) learns lessons in difficult ways. It can take me several loops before I see the right path, even if it's flashing neon pink. It likely took me losing balance, to realize I needed to find a balance, all with an underlying lesson of remembering to be kind to myself.

Sometimes it seems like there's a dance of life -- a balancing act of living in the present, reflecting on the past, and planning for the future. Staying too long in one area can upset another.In a recent conversation with a friend, I had an epiphany that I need to "decorate the house". I realized that I've been looking so far ahead that I haven't really settled into all the (amazing!) things happening now (like the fact that I married the love of my life!!).

It's like when you move into an apartment and you don't fully decorate because you know (think) you'll be moving soon... it's temporary.But I actually think it's important to decorate. To make it your own.So here's to decorating the house -- the house of my life. The current space full of change and finding balance, which is often still scary and unknown, but also oh-so-good.

Here are some old moments from the past year that are worth remembering.
A beautiful hike last September.
Thanksgiving in Iowa and very memorable sunrise-sledding. 
Christmas in Marco.
Ringing in 2015. 
Snow days forever--this past winter really did drag on. 
But then spring finally came! ... and I got married (another post on this to follow). 

Friend time with new friends, old friends, and now newly-connected friends.  

Currently loving this new video by Vanessa Carlton. So pretty.

Also, Grooveshark is no more (which really IS better for the artists, but I just liked making the playlists!), but apologies in advance for all broken playlists throughout the site. 

Life has been crazy-busy and filled with so. many. changes.

I'm "behind" in photos, projects, and a zillion other ideas that I want to do. I quote "behind" because I don't think there are any real rules to sharing moments (at this rate I will be posting sunrise sledding and snow photos in the dead of summer).

I suppose that's what happens when you plan a wedding in two months (and no, we are not expecting and I do not need a greencard, thank you very much). There are times when I find myself in the "fear-space" of all this change, but over the years I have become much better at recognizing when it happens. This awareness allows me to pull myself out of it sooner and re-enter the present moment, which lately has been filled with lots of color.

While the to-do list is crazy, I decided to take a tiny break and share some snaps from a recent weekend in Nashville.

pictured: finding Springtime in Nashville | cornhole | when my Iowa gals surprised me and told me that I was going to be a fairy for the evening -- they even gave me glitter!!! | playing the "bachelorette question game" that my love and I totally dominated at (we hardly missed any questions! this was one of my favorite surprises because I loved re-living the moments and hearing things from Brendan's point of view) | Nashville's Parthenon

not pictured: when I almost blew the surprise by saying that we needed a hashtag for the weekend (because our previous friend trips have always had one, so I had no idea why everyone was acting so strange when I suggested the idea, but then they revealed that they already had one for the "special" weekend! although we all decided that #nashpatateo was even better because we were nashville-bound and some friends keep likening my (soon-to-be!!) last name to a "potato" | four "hangry" girls in a car and how well KP handled us | KP's hospitality and funny comments, especially the one that said we were like a "four-headed llama, plinko machine" with all of our amazing thoughts racing and bouncing off one another... 

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It was a lovely weekend. Thank you all so much. I really love you girls and I'm so happy to be part of your wolf pack ~ the Iowa friendship bracelets sealed the deal.
full set

There are certain things we can't prepare for, no matter how hard we try.

I was on the F train on my way to volunteer when I got an email with no message, but an alarming subject line."This is an emergency about Lavi - call ## - EOM." I really wanted to continue with my evening and ignore the message because I knew it couldn't be good. Not to mention, I had plans with friends to celebrate my recent engagement.

But I knew better. My heart was heavy and fingers were shaking as I called the number. I stood against a wall at the Rockefeller Center subway station and tried to ignore reality as I watched hurried commuters pass by.

Lavi-cat was in critical condition.

Tears started pouring down my face and I found myself walking towards the hospital.I called a friend and started sobbing, "Lavi is going to die. Lavi is going to die and I am a terrible cat mother."

You see, Lavi and I moved to New York City almost 8 years ago. I still remember stopping in Illinois to get her a cat tranquilizer because she would not. stop. meowing. At the time, I was newly in love and the world was my oyster. I thought that my life was going to be perfect. That my move was an "arrival point" to never-ending happiness.

How quickly I learned.

We lived with a 65-year old woman who made the cat her new best friend. She would leave letters on the door with stories about kitty. How they "filed taxes together" and how cute it was when kitty hid her toys. The stories were endless and wonderful.You can imagine how painful it was for her when I told her that I was moving out because my first love and I were breaking up.

Moving three times in a month did not bode well for my Lavi-cat and she did not like her new roommates. She was clear about her feelings by pissing all over the place in every apartment."It's behavioral," the vet would tell me after many expensive (and unaffordable) bills.

After 6 months I decided to return Lavi where she belonged. With her friend to file taxes and hide toys. She immediately stopped pissing and lived like a Queen.

I would visit regularly for "kitty spa" (nail-trimmings) and a catch up.

During that time, I also moved in with my best friend and we got two new cats. Life was good, but life was also busy. The visits became less frequent and it took me months to get there again.

~

It was a cold run/walk to the animal hospital on East End while I sobbed on the phone. I felt horrible for not getting to her sooner, for not taking her to the vet more often."Upstairs to the emergency room", the receptionist pointed. My tears must have been an instant giveaway.

We ended up sitting with kitty for a couple of hours. She was on an IV and did her best to walk around to each of our laps, but she could hardly stand. We had a lot of back and forth on what to do, but I made the decision to put her to sleep. The actual procedure took about 3 minutes and it was horrible to watch. We were sobbing.

There was a moment when I thought I saw a flash of fear in Lavi's eyes, and I briefly second guessed the whole thing. But deep down, I knew it was the right thing to do.

It's been a little over a month since this happened, but it was one of those "life moments" worthy of reflection.

Lavi's death was sad, but it also symbolized closing a chapter in my life. I've grown so much over the past 8 years. While I still struggle with loss and change, I realize it can't be avoided.Because these things happen - life and loss and change.

Losing my mother at a young age made death just a thing. I would talk about it like it were a smallthing - a regular growing pain.But losing a parent/loved one is a traumatic thing, no matter the age.

The older I get, the more I realize the weight of loss. Death happens, but life doesn't stop. Even though it may feel like it.

We can't prepare for these things.You just have to trust that you'll know what to do and how to cope. That all your experiences make you wiser and stronger than you realize.

And you'll surprise yourself with your ability to carry on. 

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I admittedly spend way too much time wondering what people will think. Starting and re-starting sentences because I'm worried that they will come off "too" something. What makes up this "too" can change at any given time, for a multitude of reasons.And then there's the point of why?

You see, I have a love/hate relationship with technology, social media and the likes of it. I appreciate this digital space and that my thoughts live in a "cloud" and don't clutter up my actual living space. But if I'm honest, it can take an effort to keep the intentions pure.

For me, that means maintaining a space for self-reflection and memories because I like taking photos, looking back at random posts and remembering how I felt.

I took a break from writing for awhile to be more present, but I realized that these things can live in tandem--one can be mindfully present, while being a person that likes taking photos and writing mini-reflections.Sometimes those writings help us frame the memory.

When I listen to my best self I'm reminded that I shouldn't care what anyone will think if I share yet another flower photo or write about my super-sappy feelings on love.Looking at this seemingly simple behavior (to blog or not), helps me reflect on subtle ways of "either/or" thinking and, once again, reminds me to find center.

With that, here are some snaps from a near-Christmastime trip to Charleston.

not pictured: sneaking into corners around the city while drinking a full bottle of white wine given to us by our lovely Airbnb host, how friendly and HUGE that fluffy cat was, seeing thousands of washed up starfish on the shore and trying to save them only to find out later it might not have helped and how sad that made me, eating the most delicious food ever at Husk...omg the bread and butter. yum.

I tried finding a quote to express my gratitude, but I couldn't.

My feelings are hard to put into words; they are a bundle of nerves carried inside this body. A brain capable of stringing too many words together in long sentences. Excitement rushes through me and my fingers click away, but the truth is that there are many ways for me to express this love.

I hope that I am lucky enough to have years upon years to say it simply, to say it softly, and to dance it out.

//
pictured: photos of us on the Williamsburg bridge moments after Brendan proposed! 
not pictured: the little jumping beans that were in my heart the moment it happened (and YES, I was surprised!), how tired and excited we were because the length of our walk home doubled since I had to stop and kiss him every five seconds, and how hard it was to walk through the apartment quietly when all I really wanted to do was sing and dance and twirl the cats in happiness. 

A little Christmas card of sorts.

It's been amazing year. I found the love of my life, better known as my "sparkle partner". Before Brendan I never used this term, but the day I met him my heart sparked in a way that was unlike anything I had felt before. I am so thrilled that I've found someone I can share adventures with. I really have never felt so loved, beautiful, and appreciated.

For all of these reasons (and the fact that he's so willing to be playful with me [like in this video!] !!) he is my "sparkle partner".

I hope you all have a wonderful holiday, full of Love and of course, sparkles.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

♥♥

//

I was working on something else when Brendan said the sky was a pretty color. Little did he know (or perhaps he did; since he knows me so well), that this small comment would turn into one of those "keepers" moments. As soon as I saw the moon I grabbed my camera and his hand and we ran (carefully) to the roof to catch the last bits. I don't remember what we talked about, but I know we laughed. This happened sometime in September or October - I have no idea - time has just been going . so . quickly.

Lately, we've been walking the bridge. The first night was magical. I remember the shakiness of the bridge and the warmth of our two hands squeezed in one pocket. It was foggy that evening and there was a full moon. The sky was nearly the same color as the bridge making it seem like we were walking towards a looming monster. Halfway on the bridge, I stopped and gave Brendan a giant bear hug - the kind where you almost knock someone over. I explained that my hug was "squeezing that moment into my memory"; meaning it was something I never wanted to forget.

The thing is, I might.

Because these new experiences and these magical moments continue in a way where they become routine. I do not mean this in a negative way, but I'm really feeling into the fact that change is the only constant -- and that it doesn't always equal loss.

**pictured: That sunset | an awesome dance party with two of my favorite people that ended with sparklers! | morning rays | a boat-ride upstate to Oktoberfest where the food was, unfortunately, unforgettably horrible. | friends, friends, friends.

//Meeting the "parent sparkles" was marvelous. I have never felt more at home. I really hate saying the word "perfect", but our weekend together really was. Even when Mr. Fox (the cute lil dog) barfed on me when boating - chunks and all. Luckily, I was able to jump right into the water.Not pictured: playing my favorite drawing game, my excitement over seeing the dolphins, and all of the beautiful heartfelt conversations.

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NY Cares Day 2014.

• Thanks to all of my dear friends for late nights of sketching and planning. Admittedly, it seemed quite impossible until you all pitched in. (even with the intense chevron pattern, it turned out so beautiful!)

• Thanks to the amazing volunteers for painting and having fun! You were all brilliant and fabulous!

• Thanks to the school for the great ideas and allowing us to sketch so late and special thanks to Colleen for being an amazing site captain!

I hope the kids love their new mural!not pictured: talking about our "magical" rendering of Washington D.C. with the students that helped paint (one was very proud for being her 3rd grade class president), my hourly "fun" check-in's, and the secret project that the same students decided to do on a SIDE wall. they kept coming over to us and asking if they could paint circles - i assumed they meant the circles for the "Banneker" text and encouraged their help! so we were all very surprised to find a NEW mural when turning the corner, but luckily the school has an amazing principal and parent-teacher coordinator with a great sense of humor. thanks again to everyone for making it such a magical and lovely day!  

♥

--

previous murals: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6

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Just a little place for the fall. 

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Nature is one of my favorite reminders of the beauty of this life. Thanks friends, for making this such a magical trip and to Kevin for sharing his "Dilruba".

Not pictured: Driving the "church van" through the parking lot - which was pretty much the same height and terrifying | Sparkle interviews *:･ﾟ | Holding hands in the kitchen and passing energy balls (meaning a squeeze from one hand to the next and seeing if it could make it's way around the circle - it did!) | The hot tub dance party and pretty much making our own night time music video to Taylor Swift's Shake It Off - even (some) of the boys got into it! | Wondering when the solo leaf at the very tippy top of the tree outside the house would fall off and creating stories around falling leaves | Windham's Pumpkin Festival and the massive amounts of chicken and pumpkin treats that were eaten.  

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This was an amazing follow up to our last friend's outing, except this time we added some people which meant more fun, getting a larger house and larger vehicles. I drove the "church van" and Brandon drove the "dad van". The fall foliage was at it's peak and we had many moments.

Full set

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I've never been good with goodbyes, but we had a great send off for our dear friends with delicious Mexican food and shuffleboard (both of these places: Just Go. Yum and Fun!). It will be wonderful to visit them in the sunshine state in the colder months. Other miscellany includes impromptu date nights with square ice cubes on rooftops, finding juices on the Highline, and soaking up the last of September days.

**not pictured: Sitting next to Joseph Gordon-Levitt at the amazing planetarium show. (We did not bother him, but secretly I thought it was cool! hehe)

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We almost missed the train, but I'm so glad we didn't. At midnight we rushed to Penn Station and made it just in time to take the train to Montauk. After a restless sleep (and getting yelled at by a train conductor because apparently we were in the wrong car) we arrived just after 4:00 am. The air was cool, but you could feel the last bits of summer holding on. (One) of my favorite parts is walking to the beach. It's nearly pitch black, but the air is salty and the waves sound intimidatingly enormous. It's incredible just how fast the sky shifts from a sparkle blanket and shooting stars to the best color show you've ever seen. The darkest blues, brightest pinks, deep purples, and deep orange.We snuggled and danced and watched a seagull find a leftover pizza. The rest of the day was full of adventure, as all the days have been since I met my sparkle partner. *

*via the lovely Bess Adler 

**

It was a lovely summer. Full of friends, celebrations of love, kitty snuggles, kisses, mountain adventures, midnight trains to Montauk, beach days, sparklers (!), and so much more.

Per the usual, I noticed the shifting season at the end of July, but I wasn't as overcome as I usually am with the worry and fear of the fall. I've been painting a bunch and have a whole new series that I can't wait to share. Some of the paintings have been in progress for several months and even still - they aren't quite finished. I was deep into painting tiny little dots with a number 2 long liner, when I had a revelation: Tiny Brush Meditation.

What was (is) missing from many of these are the tiniest of details. When pausing to ask myself if I'd rather have the painting "finished", I reminded myself that I enjoy the process of painting. I love creating, mixing colors, and making little moments. Sometimes I pretend that the little details of white are tiny spirits coming to life.In many ways, this can be translated to my day-to-day life. While I have a grand vision for what I want to be doing and how much I'd like to hold onto moments of happiness and keep them in pretty, little boxes; I know I can't. That there are lots of moments and changes to come. That I can only have some idea of what's in store, but the only thing I can really control is myself. Not to mention, the actual living part of life can be rather enjoyable. When you let it.

*

More photos of summer. 

**Once upon a time, there was the tiniest of tiny fairies. To the human eye, she was a mere speck of dust. She floated about the world, traveling from place to place. She had many adventures and enjoyed the animals. It goes without saying that there were times of sadness, some bumps, falls, and times of feeling stuck. Sometimes the loneliness hung around like a thin veil over her eyes, but she always found herself happiest when lost in thought and dreams. One day while floating along, she saw something shiny – a thin strand of silver, full of life and sparkles, but a simple gray hair to most. She floated to it and instantly found herself flying. The world started to twist and turn in ways she hadn't imagined—the flowers she used to sleep on opened into never-ending pathways of glitter. The light was golden, but the sky was bright, and the trees were emerald. In the evening, it opened into thousands of magical stars, all seemingly in conversation with one another.

The world of magic she dreamt of was real and a new lightness came over her.

One evening while watching the sun say goodnight to the moon, she noticed the most beautiful thing she had ever seen. It felt like she had been struck by lightning and disassembled into a million pieces of air. The feeling was weightless yet grounding, as if she was a tree with deep roots. As she got closer, she noticed that it was another fairy. He had the kindest eyes and warmest smile she had ever seen.

"Hello!" she exclaimed – she was sure she whispered, but apparently was shouting with excitement.

The hello's turned into more hello's and rarely turned into goodbyes. The connection was effortless, and they continued to drift along, exploring the magical world together. They enjoyed the joyous laughter of a tall boy with dark curls when walking by a store called, Dilruba, so much that they decided to name their own world after it....this is a little map of part of their world.

Happiest of happy birthdays to the man that made me realize magic was real.

**Exploring an abandoned apartment building/hotel (?) somewhere in Pennsylvania (post Poconos trip).

Not pictured: The absolute eeriness of the place.