// these are the things that make up home. i♥wa.(the first shot is not iowa, but the detroit airport). i hope you all had a wonderful thanksgiving filled with lots of ♥.

5:43 pm EST/4:43 pm CST

I am in Iowa. Right now I am sitting at Cup of Joe with reliable internet and alternating sips of hot cider and cold water. I feel the slight pulse of a headache in my temples....the most wonderful thing just happened. i realized i had more time than i thought! 5:43 was speeding towards 6:00 and I have dinner plans at 6:30, which meant leaving in 15 minutes for a 30 minute drive, but then the glorious thing happened while looking at my phone to see what things I hadn't finished from the list. I realized was actually 4:44 CST. Phew. More water. More breath. More of this. There's something about being home that always makes me slightly anxious - or something - I can't put my finger on it. In the past five years, I've probably spent a cumulative total of one week at my house. The childhood one. The one where you can probably find a dried pile of cat puke from 15 years ago (yes, really). The one with memories of a kitchen that are too hard to think about, but that always flash through the brain upon entering the door. Too many t-h-i-n-g-s from too many years passed. The thing about those approximate seven days is that whenever I've returned/return to the place I now call home (from 88th Street, 94 Street, 135 Street, to my favorite place with the two cats and the occasional fresh cat puke for they absolutely hate their lysine-mixed wet food) wishing I'd spent just a little longer at the childhood home. Coming home is an instant reminder of where you're from, and what you are from. What parts you decided to leave behind and what parts are still lingering in the tiniest bits of the soul? Or perhaps they aren't tiny at all, because this sudden collision of thoughts happens and you realize that these new thoughts and old memories are everything that define you and make you, well you. You are one with all of it. The small girl, who grew up way too fast and who was actually rather lonely despite being surrounded by cats is now a woman with the curious heart of a child, still loving cats and people, but still struggles with moments of loneliness despite being surrounded with loved ones and having cracked the tough nut that is self-love. But the shell has been cracked and it's constantly learning new things. I am learning new things; about myself, the world, and how I want to be. In this moment, with past and present colliding, I am thankful for all of it. I am thankful for friends, family, chaos, cats, art, expression, technology, other people's writing, and so much more. I am thankful and excited for future moments and new dreams. I am just thankful.....and on this trip home, I am spending justabit more time at the childhood house.

november 2, 2012 // lower manhattan still powerless, but filled with cars // cops acting as traffic lights // the east river ferry // long lines at the gas station on metropolitan 

...these are the moments to be had in oklahoma. :) **p.s. i made the little kitty and bunny for georgia! ;)

These are the days of October...making pisco sours which require an egg white - yes it's safe to drink and oh-my-goodness-it-is-good. on the second night of making these, i was tasked with separating the yolk from the white, a task john thought was "advanced" for me. while hayden had faith i could do it, john was right. ;) // cooking in the apartment // a fall bouquet // a rainy walk in central park after a failed attempt at going to the natural history museum - apparently everyone in nyc had the same idea on the first rainy day in october.

My fifth New York Cares Day was a blast. I had a great team of people, including some great friends, that helped me with sketching the week before the event (thank you!). The Site Captain of the Ernst and Young team was so organized she had color-coded notecards to split the teams up for the different murals. It was awesome to see my murals come to life, and the volunteers were great (especially painting the coral that Julian sketched). A special request was added to the second floor, Betty Boop with purple goggles, to remember a teacher that recently passed away. After everyone left, I did the usual run-around, adding detail and finishing touches. I could have stayed and painted in these fun landscapes all day; luckily, friends reminded me that it was time to celebrate.

More photos TK from the EY team!

Thank you to everyone that participated! (full set)

various viewpoints of a stormy sky // a firetruck through my window // an ivy house // crazy ph levels // the smokiest and coolest apartment in the east village // looking down // looking up // looking sideways // day and night // lamps // chairs // a very lazy kitty which fell OFF the keyboard shortly after this photo... 

I wanted to say Happy Birthday to you in a big way but instead made myself look like an idiot at the office. I suppose that counts. HAPPY BIRTHDAY GIRL! Here's to an amazing year. ♥ you!

IMG_0739

**Since Josh was getting older and moving away, I wanted to do something special. I decided to make a painting that all the friends could have. The night of the birthday/goodbye party, I carried scissors in my pocket, split the painting, and gave a piece to everyone. Also, our cat has a new toy...a baby sling that we carry her in. She also loves paint brushes.

**lots of light leaks and blurry photos. from squishy faces to kissy faces. dear friend, you will be missed. you better visit. :) even more photos!

i especially need to remember this considering it is the second time i lost an iPhone. *hand to head* somewhere in the birthday/goodbye party, watching some of my favorite musicians (because they are the nicest), almost getting into a scuffle with a bitchy blonde who wouldn't shut her mouth during the set of those wonderfully, nice musicians (which i reminded her was rude in a non-passive-aggressive way), eating the worst pizza ever (sludge per ht), awkwardly-starstruck-foot-in-mouth-meeting the really sweet and so talented sara bareilles (yes, r e a l l y), watching a full-out fist fight ensure in the irish bar, and the rainy (and very late) cab ride home - i lost my phone. again. hand to head. siiigh...at least i have my camera and awesome photos! happy weekend!

Happy birthday dear friend! :) Apologies for the shaky camera work, but it was a last-minute decision to ask them to sing before ordering my coffee. NYC will miss you. We've sure had some great times, but you will be back to visit, and now there's a reason to revisit Canada!

ivy // a view from a tall apartment in the financial district // morning glories // an afternoon on the fire escape with a lazy kitty, curious kitty, and fast squirrel // bricks and flowers // the Highline // a trip to the little red lighthouse past the george washington bridge, including the kitty by the water...

It was early. About an hour before the alarm meant to go off. I woke up and just hurt. My body felt heavy and I couldn't sink into it enough. Tears. Just a few. It was uncomfortable to feel that ache—an ache for him. I can't even remember what kissing or touching him feels like. I just remember how much I loved him. I loved him so. September. Our first trip together. The first time he let himself be. He would pull me in and rest his head on my shoulder in the airport. He was expressive in the ways I craved for nearly a year. I remember coming back. All forms of public transit transitioning us to the hectic city, each one more and more crowded. The subway in Penn Station was full of lines and commotion. We ran into one of my friends and didn't get a moment to really say goodbye. We took the train one stop and before I got off I held him tight and said, "I love you." I didn't apologize after, which I had done so many times before because those words were always "too much" and "he wasn't sure how he felt about me" and "he wasn't in a place to be a boyfriend" or "have a relationship". I pushed my way through the crowd and got off the train. I asked my friend for a hug and a joke to avoid tears. I just loved him so much and it hurt. I was embarrassed. I think I knew that the only time he could actually be was when he was away from the city, the distractions. In those moments, he was able to express his love for me. I do believe he loved me, even then. I am not sure he was ever "in love" with me, which is why those trips seemed so important - albeit unsustainable - because he let himself do the things someone does when they are "in love". We should have taken the full day, but he wanted to come back early so he could work. So telling. This was always met with regret on the few trips taken together, "we should have just taken the full day". I would always tell him we could on the next trip. We never did. At the office I fell back into the worry. The wondering if I should contact him first. The deciding to wait because he was honest. Which is why when I got an email from him an hour into being back that said, "I miss Key West", I knew that meant he missed me too. And so I stayed. I waited for each moment like that. That would let me feel what I really believe he felt, love, but couldn't express. And so I stayed, until "he couldn't do it anymore" and I did not fight it because I couldn't fight for him anymore. Time. Space. Time. The heartache of loving someone is just that. An ache. Heavy and dull. It lasts for a moment. Tears may fall. But it does go away. As I move ahead, the signs are clearer. The intuition is stronger. The self-love is a c t u a l l y there and being with moments of being uncomfortable - including that ache - help me to be patient, let go, and make room for more - including love.

Night falls quicker. Boots are worn. Hot chai instead of cold. Soon there will be day trips taken upstate to see the changing leaves. This new album is a wonderful way to welcome the shift in season. I have so many good things I say about it, but just listen for yourselves. <3

Fall is almost here which means so is New York Cares Day! I have been a mural artist for this event the last four years. This is my fifth year and I AM SO EXCITED! This is the largest school I've worked with - so large that it has two mural artists. Between the two of us, the kids arriving the following Monday will practically have a brand-new school! :)I would love for you to join me in this amazing event.

What: New York Cares Day
Date: October 13, 2012Time: 9:30-3:30 pm
Who: You and anyone you'd like to invite!(please note all volunteers must register)
What we'll be doing: Painting a mural in Brooklyn (off of the L train, Grand stop). There will be several murals sketched with a "paint by color" system, so for those without artistic experience, no worries - it will be easy. That being said, there is much room for creative expression, for those looking to do more. If you're interested, register online you happen upon the site through the regular home page, you can follow these easy steps:

1. Agree to the terms

2. Select, "Join a team"

3. Scroll down and look for the team called, 

Ron Burgundy

Please note that there is a $20 fee. I can assure you that all funds go to NY Cares and it's ongoing projects. For example, our Art Explorers class has been able to make things with clay, paint, and even take a field trip to a museum.

Happy fall folks!

xo

in no particular order (most likely, out of order):virgo party // sunday with the kitty // azure ray at city winery (more photos tk) // vintage foxes // view from the streets of nyc // nights in bk with friends (including walking into a random house party, snapping a pic, and walking out)

these photos were taken from a visit to pelham bay park in the bronx . so much fun was had that afternoon; exploring the woods and estuaries, sitting on rocks and laughing at inside jokes about pilgrims and airplanes. we watched the sky change colors and the reflection looked like someone was painting it with perfect brush strokes. walking back to the bus the sky turned pink behind us and darker clouds surrounded trees. we also happened upon a group of geese that seemed to be in a meeting. seriously, there was one squawking in the center with his cohorts listening. who knew so much beauty awaited me in the bronx!?happy weekend friends!