Seeing, in Three Pieces
Kate Knapp
Somehow we must see
through the shimmering cloth
of daily life, its painted,
evasive facings of what to eat,
to wear? Which work
matters? Is a bird more
or less than a man?
Is a bird more or less
than a woman?
*
There have been people
who helped the world. Named
or not named. They weren’t interested
in what might matter,
doubled over as they were
with compassion. Laden
branches, bright rivers.
*
When a bulb burns out
we just change it—
it’s not the bulb we love;
it’s the light.
Reflections
Musings by Kim Tateo
↓
I was driving back from a wedding in Connecticut yesterday. I took a wrong turn and ended up taking a long way home through windy roads of Connecticut and Massachusetts and finally landed in New York again. It was a beautiful drive. I noticed the reds and yellows of the leaves and it hit me that fall is nearly here. Of course, time has been hurtling forward all along, but it took the bright leaves to notice the change.
There have been so many changes in the past year.
I've spent a lot of time in the motions of these changes. Traveling, packing, moving, leaving my friends, making new friends, walking new streets, working with bouts of loneliness, playing more instruments, climbing new mountains, learning new sounds and patterns... painting, so many things.
I've been spending more time journaling, long-hand. In a way, I think this reflection time is when I take the time to "sit" with all of this change.
A few weeks ago, I was visiting some friends in NYC. The G train doors closed and I heard someone say, "Kim!" really loudly. I looked across from me and I instantly recognized the face. It was the bright face of one of the students that I mentored a few years ago. He recognized me and told me that he remembered our activities, that he was applying for colleges, that his sister was 12 now and that she was 4 when I met her. We were loud, everyone was looking but there was a genuine feeling of joy for all of the passengers. They didn't seem to mind that our conversation carried on across from each other. He told me that the edible color wheel was his favorite project and I laughed and said it was a terrible idea. "Too much frosting and sugar...", but he said it was fun and was glad to run into me; he remembered my "big smile".
After wards, I cried (I'm tearing up now re-remembering this) and laughed and my heart was full. To be honest, I nearly forgotten that time in my life - the weekends of rushing to take cabs to the community center in Astoria (I was always late) and the walks and meeting friends after; I'd always reflect on my projects and tell stories about how the kids like this or hated that.
Here I am, so many years and a different city later. I still do music and art with kids, but it's not quite the same and I'm not sure it every would be, but it was a good reminder to keep doing it. Running into him also reminded me that I like reflecting in this space too.
So much has happened since my last writing of the Christmas video and maybe I'll share it, but maybe I won't.
It is all okay, everything is okay.
Change happens fast and slow at the same time and like most things, it's full of multiple, opposing feelings.
Let's be real. 2016 had some real shit moments. Don't get me wrong, it had many beautiful and amazing moments too - and these are what I hold on to. But I would be lying if I said I wasn't impacted by events of late (I realize that for some, it may have been a positive year, but you all know my leanings).
What helps: art, friends, laughter, wine, music, cat cuddles, and love. So much love.
With that, I'm sending *you* all lots of love - let it spark your own inner light and let that shine outward and ultimately, reflect back to you. I truly believe that the more we can all do this, the better and brighter this world will be. If nothing else, it would at least be a little kinder.
Happy holidays!
♥♥
Previous greetings:
have a holly jolly christmas
a sparkle partner christmas
nature’s glitter
yay christmas!
christmas with lavi
there's a part of me that wants to say that I am beyond shocked by the election results. unfortunately, i'm not because there was deep part of me that had a feeling that this was going to be the turn out. how i wished i was wrong. i wrote the following reflection and sent it to many friends and am posting it here too. so if you happen upon it, just know that writing this was my healing process. today, i feel inspired. determined. ready to roll up my sleeves and fight the good fight -- for love. for equality. for goodness. i cannot live my life as i had. i am changed and want to be the change in the world. let's do this.//
Dear you,
If you are receiving this email it is because I know you are a bright light that emits love and goodness into this world. We may not close friends, in fact, I may just read your newsletter or sorted some organics bins with you. But I've been impacted by your light and ... I am grateful for you.
While I am heartbroken (literally, I've been crying about every 10 minutes). I know that it's important to feel into this grief.
I keep thinking of this quote ...“Keep your gaze on the wounded place. This is where the light enters.” ~Rumi
Light ..
It's hard to imagine, but we must remember love during this time. I know it's hard. It's so fucking hard. Oh god, here come the tears. But we can do this. Somehow, someway.
I wanted to share a reflection from a few weeks ago. The 81 day degree in October had me very rattled and sad for the Earth (how can people still believe climate change is "not real"?!), but I remembered the sacred pause. I had just read a beautiful passage from the book, Fear, by Thich Nhat Hanh. It talked about how death doesn't have to be absolute "end". I can't remember the exact wording, but had been exploring the idea of life/death in a painting. The painting was inspired by a time when I was in Iceland standing in front of an all-encompassing waterfall. The water fell in such a way that it looked like it was dancing with the air, all the way to the rocks. The way it moved, it seemed the water flowed and then cycled back to the sky only to be repeated again.
So my head was spinning with the thoughts of the swirling air and water and death and life. And then I then thought ... okay ... if death isn't the end, then maybe I can look at these cycles of the Earth in a different way. Yes, I can be saddened by destruction (and let's admit this new establishment does not seem to include the Earth's care in the list), but I can also take comfort in knowing that it will come back around. The planet will persevere in a way I can't even imagine! Also, this is funny.
So what does any of this have to do with anything? Well, it's my long way of saying that perhaps *this too* is a cycle.
Perhaps in all of this loss and pain, something good will come back around.
Don't lose your light. Don't let this election take that from you.
This morning the crowded subways seemed extra spacious. More people stepped to the side to allow fellow commuters on. Perhaps it was fatigue, but kindness was there. I also spent the morning giving "you are loved" notes to strangers and cried through tears telling them to "not give up".
See, goodness still exists my friends. It's within us. It's within YOU.
The animals and beings of the world will connect.
But we must stay positive.
"Where attention goes, energy flows."
I encourage you to not feed into the hatred. Find the ones you love, tell them you love them more. Be kind. Smile. Notice. Be moved by this. Be broken. Be love. Just be. Write, paint, dance, sing, scream, act. Allow yourself to grieve in whatever language you need. ♥
With that I am sending you all the love my human heart can hold and then some. I started with the gratitude and will end with that as well.
I am grateful for you. Please remember your self care at this time. Drink water. Nourish your body. Rest.
We will get through this. One molecule at a time.
Kim ♥
P.S. Let's just hope and pray that this ends up okay
P.P.S. There is no need to write back, unless you feel compelled too. Just writing these thoughts were healing for me. Thank you for all the good work you do.
In a few months, we will be leaving NYC. We will be moving upstate to Troy, NY. The decision to do this has been a two year meditation and I can't say it was my own to begin with. But alas, I admit that it is not sustainable (financially, yes it is) for five creatures (3 humans, 2 cats) to live in a railroad apartment for the rest of our lives. How I'd love for things to never change and I'm terrified about moving to a smaller city and leaving my friends and everything that NYC has made me. For I love the city's grit and grime and my love and hate relationship with it. There are days when I look around and think, I could never leave this place for I am able to feel large and small at the exact same time. I've managed to create a wonderful community of friends and yet, I could also wander the streets and know nobody and vice versa. Such a change from the square mile town I grew up in. Then there are moments when people are terribly rude on the subway and yell at you for trying to be kind (for simply trying to remedy the situation of an overcrowded train during rush hour). And in this moment, it takes everything in your power to hold your hand back from throwing your coffee directly onto their Kindle and you briefly think, I can't wait to get the fuck out of NYC. But in the next moment, you will watch a stranger help carry a stroller up the stairs and instantly your faith in goodness and love is restored, because hope springs eternal.
But living upstate will be okay too. I know this. A few months ago, we explored the area and found massive mountains and a waterfall. It was a day was full of elements, literally. It was as if Mother Nature was experiencing the same roller coaster and expressing it in rain and snow and sunshine. We found a waterfall with a tiny mountain of ice collecting at the bottom. While I know we may never see that waterfall in the same way (as that moment) again, I am hopeful that exploring the nature in the area will feed me in a different way. It will also be a slower pace of life and after two weeks in Europe (more on that who knows when) I think I will welcome this. I'll also *hopefully* have my own art studio! Yay!
As I enjoy these last few months of NYC and navigate my feelings. I realize I just have to let go because I cannot control what will happen or how it will turn out and in doing so, I miss out on so much in the present.
So, onward I move. Somewhere between flight and fear and all things beautiful and terrifying.Here's a little video of that day of elements near Troy....
P.S. I read the following story a few weeks ago and it really moved me.
Sometimes I feel that my life is a series of trapeze swings. I'm either hanging on to a trapeze bar swinging along or, for a few moments in my life, I'm hurtling across space in between trapeze bars.
Most of the time, I spend my life hanging on for dear life to my trapeze-bar-of-the-moment. It carries me along a certain steady rate of swing and I have the feeling that I'm in control of my life. I know most of the right questions and even some of the right answers. But once in a while, as I'm merrily (or not so merrily) swinging along, I look ahead of me into the distance, and what do I see? I see another trapeze bar swinging toward me. It's empty, and I know, in that place that knows, that this new trapeze bar has my name on it. It is my next step, my growth, my aliveness going to get me. In my heart-of-hearts I know that for me to grow, I must release my grip on the present, well known bar to move to the new one.
Each time it happens to me, I hope (no, I pray) that I won't have to grab the new one. But in my knowing place I know that I must totally release my grasp on my old bar, and for some moment in time hurtle across space before I can grab onto the new bar. Each time I am filled with terror. It doesn't matter that in all my previous hurtles across the void of unknowing, I have always made it. Each time I am afraid I will miss, that I will be crushed on the unseen rocks in the bottomless chasm between the bars. But I do it anyway. Perhaps this is the essence of what the mystics call the faith experience. No guarantees, no net, no insurance policy, but you do it anyway because somehow, to keep hanging onto that old bar is no longer on the list of alternatives. And so for an eternity that can last a microsecond or a thousand lifetimes, I soar across the dark void of "the past is gone, the future is not yet here." It's called transition. I have come to believe that it is the only place that real change occurs. I mean real change, not the pseudo-change that only lasts until the next time my old buttons get punched.
I have noticed that, in our culture, this transition zone is looked upon as a "no-thing", a no-place between places. Sure the old trapeze-bar was real, and that new one coming towards me, I hope that's real too. But the void in between? That's just a scary, confusing, disorienting "nowhere" that must be gotten through as fast as unconsciously as possible. What a waste! I have a sneaking suspicion that the transition zone is the only real thing, and the bars are illusions we dream up to avoid, where the real change, the real growth occurs for us. Whether or not my hunch is true, it remains that the transition zones in our lives are incredibly rich places. They should be honored, even savored. Yes, with all the pain and fear and feelings of being out-of-control that can (but not necessarily) accompany transitions, they are still the most alive, most growth-filled, passionate, expansive moments in our lives.
And so, transformation of fear may have nothing to do with making fear go away, but rather with giving ourselves permission to "hang- out" in the transition between trapeze bars. Transforming our need to grab that new bar, any bar, is allowing ourselves to dwell in the only place where change really happens. It can be terrifying. It can also be enlightening, in the true sense of the word. Hurtling through the void, we just may learn how to fly.
From The Essene Book of Days by Danaan Parry
//
Fort building, star gazing, life loving and the first time Brendan met the family of one of my best college girlfriend's, Mary ... my how we've grown. ❤
Full set.
And in video form....
Music by my talented sweetheart.
//
On a rare, warm, not-"February-gray" day, we went to the beach with these two love birds.
Nicole is one of my best friends ever. We met at an art project that I was team leading. She was nice and sweet, so naturally I asked her if she wanted to be friends. I remember volunteering together and getting brunch afterwards. Conversation flowed easily and we were like lightning bouncing ideas and moments off one another. We were both in similar situations of "figuring it out".
Through the years we've been there for each other and have grown so, so much.The memory of talking about real love and if we'd ever find it is still so clear in my mind. We went rollerblading in Central Park and our buns were burning as we climbed that north hill. "When it happens, it will happen like lightning. It will be quick, furious, frightening and wonderful," I told her, in between short breaths. Flying down the hill was always the best part.
A few weeks later, that very thing had happened. It may have taken her a moment to realize it, because one must be cautious when sharing the heart. But the moment I saw them together, I knew he was the perfect match. Both are tiny, with dynamic souls that stretch above and beyond and across time and space. Their love is the kind that shines like the sun. In the same way, you know rays will warm you, I know these two will always find each other. Because they are just meant to be. ❤
p.s. I cannot wait to see your fairy-tale wedding this fall!
//
Some snaps from our trip to Iowa this past Thanksgiving.
We were delayed an entire day because of the snow storm. This was a real test of patience and our ability to work as a team -- scrambling around the O'hare Airport was not very fun (especially after sitting on a hot airplane for two hours without any water), but we managed. When we finally got to Iowa, the snow was pretty, but brief. It melted in two days, but we enjoyed every moment of it; sledding, wandering the golf course and watching the geese.
As always, home is a lot of things, but the Iowa sunsets never cease to make me smile.
IMG_9207
//My friend, Lauren, started a google community called, Creativity Hour, which has been a great way to stay held accountable for my own creativity through the inspiration of everyone's works. She suggested we all create Manifestos for 2016.
Honest to goodness, I started this in January, but managed to LOSE it twice. Once I left the brightly painted paper with "spaciousness" and notes about playing and kindness on the floor of my office and managed to lose it again while en route from the office to the art studio. So it's possible the manifesto is floating around the Lower East Side or melted in the snow. Hopefully it will provide inspiration wherever it ended up. Also, yes, you read that correctly ... I joined an art studio in January and it has been life-changing. I love being around other artists and ending my work day with painting.
The photo above is my (second!) painted mess of a manifesto which was written in my journal. I've been doing less online writing and more handwritten journaling. I highly recommend doing this first thing in the morning before the to-do lists and cell phone scrolling take over (which is fascinating to notice how strong the urge is).
In any case, below is the full manifesto in an easier-to-read fashion since the piece above is a mess and may be difficult to read online. Also, I purposely chose to use a piece of paper with a tear ... it became a way to remind myself to embrace the unknown.
... 2016 (and beyond!) ...
s p a c i o u s n e s s ... because the in-between moments will allow for deep soul searching or just reveal themselves! Continued love for your relationship ❤, #sparklepartners forever! write down the magical stories of the operators of your heart strings ... more moments of playfulness, love, listening, and being open to others. Allow YOURself to see beyond the surface or judgements (esp. around social/political thoughts -- we can all be ourselves). Remember our interconnectedness especially in challenging moments ... challenge negative thinking and the inner critic. Be Yourself. Really Listen. Don't respond too quickly, let the stories and information land first. Put the phone down more! -- less random scrolling when people leave the table or whatever the situation is -- notice how strong the urge is to reach and then pay attention to the real moments. In fact, shut the phone OFF after a certain time and start the day with a quiet moment. Being overwhelmed leads to the random scrolling/need for distraction because you need to tune out, but really you just need to tune in. Call home more often. Call Diane too, find her another cat. Continued volunteering and community engagement. Keep doing work that makes a difference. Continued listening to your wisest self. Be MAGNANIMOUS. Be an architect of peace. Continue the loving kindness practice. Write more letters. More sincere compliments, notice people's goodness. Leave notes of kindness for strangers. Face fear directly - don't let it consume you. Continue tending and growing the garden of friends, wherever the home base lands ~ remember it's really in your heart. Explore creative movement or just make room for self time and care. Practice German. Pick up the guitar, play the piano. Keep singing. Embrace your voice. Handle issues and challenging moments when they appear instead of creating lists of things to fret over, you miss out on so many little details doing this. Wake up earlier, the morning light is worth it. Keep exploring nature. Remember gratitude. Trust your heart to navigate the overwhelming days and when the multiple, opposing feelings take over. Stay organized, but don't get lost in your lists or use "planning mind" as a distraction. Continue finding the balance of planning for the future, reflecting on the past, and staying present. Morning kitty snuggles, beach days, park days, lazy days. Grow the collections of feathers, flowers, shells, rocks, but give some away too -- leave them as little gifts. Paint the worlds in your mind. Believe in yourself and the innate goodness of all. Remember love, love, love. Drink more water. Be open to change, including the thoughts and scary things for 2016. When fear takes over, try to remember your breath and how you are connected to everything -- the scary moment won't last forever, none of them will. Don't be saddened by this, just try to be with it all. Feel it all.
“I will not dishonor
my soul with hatred,
but offer myself humbly
as a guardian of nature,
as a healer of misery,
as a messenger of wonder,
as an architect of peace.
I will honor all life—wherever and in whatever form
it may dwell—on Earth my home,
and in the mansions of the stars.”
~ Diane Ackerman
"Keep your gaze on the wounded place. This is where the light enters."
~ Rumi
"If you stop to be kind, you must swerve often from your path."
~ Mary Webb
“Love says, 'I am everything.'
Wisdom says 'I am nothing.'
Between the two, my life flows.”
~ Nisargadatta Maharaj
"Much as I love to soul search, there are moments when you realize that perhaps today you are further complicating life by relentlessly seeking elusive answers to profound questions. Perhaps today is a day where you take what you already know to be true and apply it. Simple things we’ve had figured out for decades like the value of exercise, of dipping your feet in the nearest body of water, or having a good laugh with a few close friends. Fruits and vegetables are obvious in that way. Not too complicated, nothing really to fuss over, but simple, delicious, and just as good for you as they’ve ever been."
~ Dallas Clayton
"The only way to make sense out of change is to plunge into it, move with it, and join the dance."
~ Alan Watts
“Instructions for living a life.
Pay attention.
Be astonished.
Tell about it.”
~ Mary Oliver
started in 2011...
completed in 2015...
I've always been afraid of change. It makes me nervous and I sometimes (okay, often!) find myself looping, worried about changes to come.
But in looking back at these moments, I'm grateful for change and the ability to shift and grow. It makes me know that I'll be okay, with whatever changes *do* come my way.Change does not always equal loss. In fact, sometimes, it can bring a whole lot of love. And even in those more difficult times, there's something about knowing that change is the only constant.
Because sometimes you'll find yourself, months later, OUT of a blue period, barely remembering that you didn't think you'd survive. But you did, and you will, again and again and again.
//
This video is a collection of moments from the past two years. Please forgive some of my poor iphone orientation shooting!
❤
Music by:
"Past in Present" by Fiest
"Plasticities" by Andrew Bird
"Mother & Father" by Broods
"Holocene" by Bon Iver
Wishing you all a bright, merry, and l♥ve-filled Christmas, Hannukuh, Boxing Day, Kwanzaa, Festivus and whatever else you celebrate!!
Also, Happy Winter Solstice (yay for longer days!!)
Hope you've been enjoying the holiday season - despite this unseasonably warm December!
♥♥
//
Previous greetings:
a sparkle partner christmas
nature’s glitter
yay christmas!
christmas with lavi
//
There are so many stories of pain in this world. My heart breaks for all of the senseless shootings, environmental destruction, our endless need for consumption, and the list of hurts could go on ... BUT!
I really believe that if we could all just pause...
allow for more
s p a c i o u s n e s s
feel into our breath, we'd remember that we are *all* connected.
To this earth and to each other.
I may not have any answers for the world's issues, but I can be a light and send well-wishes and hope this positive energy can make a difference.
//
I am thankful for the train ride to the expansive mountains. They provide a sense of renewal and remind me to keep believing in love and goodness for all living beings.
Full set of photos here and a beautiful read on re-thinking the need to fight violence with violence.
//
Some snaps from a beautiful weekend upstate with the *parent sparkles*.
It was really special to show them some of our favorite spots, including Lake Minnewaska, Sam's Point, and the Bonticou Crag.
//
I still remember the cold spring day when I met Brendan. The wind was strong when I noticed him -- deep brown curls blowing in the wind. There was something about him that took my breath away. When I saw him walking towards me (because he was with our mutual friend), fireworks started in my stomach and out of my mouth in the form of a million, rapid-fire questions.
*yes, he was overwhelmed at first*
But then we met a few weeks later and I was a little calmer -- or at least appeared to be on the outside -- but I'm sure my stomach was in knots. It's hard to describe the feeling -- nothing has ever made me as nervous as he had, but at the same time I also felt a certain surety. When I finally worked up the courage to ask for his number, I remember running home and singing to the cats. Hayden laughed.
You see, he was a little quieter than me and I never felt like I could get the words right. I found myself with one-word answers with a certain spaciousness around them.
Me: So what do you like to do?
Him: Walk.
Me: Um, where do you like to walk?
Him: Around.
Me: Well, maybe we could 'walk around' together someday. (inner dialogue: hand-to-head, did that sound stupid!?)
Being the person I am, spaciousness seemed (is) scary, but I learned that it's exactly what I needed. Over the past year, he has given me nothing but *s p a c e* to be myself -- this has been very healing.//
I’ve been wanting to write about the wedding for the past few months, but the other day experienced something to frame it. It was a really rough day for a lot of silly reasons and I spent the better part of it in tears. The mental hamster wheel was spinning. In the past, this self-depreciating, self-worth spiral to hell would last a lot longer and I would be *even* harder on myself -- forget the second arrow, it was more like ten. But this time, there was something different.
I didn't ignore the negative feelings that were coming up, but I didn't let them take over me like they so often do. There was a small, half-fingernail size part of me that fought back. It reminded me of my own self-worth.
Later that night, I caught his eye while he was looking at me. He had just been telling me how pretty I looked and I felt his gaze. It was vulnerable and I felt that nervous-feeling again from those early days.
It was then that I realized that he really does SEE me. Yes, he sees my hair and smile, but he easily sees straight through to that half-fingernail sized part of myself that understands and fights back for my own self-worth. You hear about love at first sight, but to me, meeting Brendan was more of a coming home. Because his seeing me, really allows ME to see and love myself even more. The more this happens, the more *space* there is for playfulness and adventure (which we both happened to mention in our vows ❤).
//
The above are some of my favorite wedding photos, taken by the lovely ladies at BAM Weddings.
Also, here's a little video I made, full of lots of hugs. Making this video was so much fun, because it allowed me to experience the wedding. The actual day itself was a blur, but this let me feel into it all again.
Thank you to everyone who made it and for all of the well-wishes. Big love! ❤
The past year or so has been an absolute whirlwind. I haven't spent that much time writing about it partly because it felt like a dream and also because of my ongoing, internal debate on sharing and the digital space.
But I actually like to pause and reflect on things. It allows me to really remember my gratitude for the moment -- even if the moment has passed.
Sometimes I need that pause because there are times I get worked up about the future, somehow feeling like I need to plan my next move or the next "big thing". My "planning-mind" has always been a weird place for me to escape to, but I've been trying to challenge it.
Because the truth is, the past year was full of "big things". I quit my full-time job and started working part-time to allow myself more time for art. I used to daydream about time and how I'd spend it, but when actually given some extra hours it was much harder than I thought. So I worked too hard, too long, barely did any art and found myself in a slight creative block (which I'm finally coming out of).
I am one that (unfortunately) learns lessons in difficult ways. It can take me several loops before I see the right path, even if it's flashing neon pink. It likely took me losing balance, to realize I needed to find a balance, all with an underlying lesson of remembering to be kind to myself.
Sometimes it seems like there's a dance of life -- a balancing act of living in the present, reflecting on the past, and planning for the future. Staying too long in one area can upset another.In a recent conversation with a friend, I had an epiphany that I need to "decorate the house". I realized that I've been looking so far ahead that I haven't really settled into all the (amazing!) things happening now (like the fact that I married the love of my life!!).
It's like when you move into an apartment and you don't fully decorate because you know (think) you'll be moving soon... it's temporary.But I actually think it's important to decorate. To make it your own.So here's to decorating the house -- the house of my life. The current space full of change and finding balance, which is often still scary and unknown, but also oh-so-good.
Here are some old moments from the past year that are worth remembering.
A beautiful hike last September.
Thanksgiving in Iowa and very memorable sunrise-sledding.
Christmas in Marco.
Ringing in 2015.
Snow days forever--this past winter really did drag on.
But then spring finally came! ... and I got married (another post on this to follow).
Friend time with new friends, old friends, and now newly-connected friends.
Currently loving this new video by Vanessa Carlton. So pretty.
Also, Grooveshark is no more (which really IS better for the artists, but I just liked making the playlists!), but apologies in advance for all broken playlists throughout the site.
Life has been crazy-busy and filled with so. many. changes.
I'm "behind" in photos, projects, and a zillion other ideas that I want to do. I quote "behind" because I don't think there are any real rules to sharing moments (at this rate I will be posting sunrise sledding and snow photos in the dead of summer).
I suppose that's what happens when you plan a wedding in two months (and no, we are not expecting and I do not need a greencard, thank you very much). There are times when I find myself in the "fear-space" of all this change, but over the years I have become much better at recognizing when it happens. This awareness allows me to pull myself out of it sooner and re-enter the present moment, which lately has been filled with lots of color.
While the to-do list is crazy, I decided to take a tiny break and share some snaps from a recent weekend in Nashville.
pictured: finding Springtime in Nashville | cornhole | when my Iowa gals surprised me and told me that I was going to be a fairy for the evening -- they even gave me glitter!!! | playing the "bachelorette question game" that my love and I totally dominated at (we hardly missed any questions! this was one of my favorite surprises because I loved re-living the moments and hearing things from Brendan's point of view) | Nashville's Parthenon
not pictured: when I almost blew the surprise by saying that we needed a hashtag for the weekend (because our previous friend trips have always had one, so I had no idea why everyone was acting so strange when I suggested the idea, but then they revealed that they already had one for the "special" weekend! although we all decided that #nashpatateo was even better because we were nashville-bound and some friends keep likening my (soon-to-be!!) last name to a "potato" | four "hangry" girls in a car and how well KP handled us | KP's hospitality and funny comments, especially the one that said we were like a "four-headed llama, plinko machine" with all of our amazing thoughts racing and bouncing off one another...
//
It was a lovely weekend. Thank you all so much. I really love you girls and I'm so happy to be part of your wolf pack ~ the Iowa friendship bracelets sealed the deal.
full set
There are certain things we can't prepare for, no matter how hard we try.
I was on the F train on my way to volunteer when I got an email with no message, but an alarming subject line."This is an emergency about Lavi - call ## - EOM." I really wanted to continue with my evening and ignore the message because I knew it couldn't be good. Not to mention, I had plans with friends to celebrate my recent engagement.
But I knew better. My heart was heavy and fingers were shaking as I called the number. I stood against a wall at the Rockefeller Center subway station and tried to ignore reality as I watched hurried commuters pass by.
Lavi-cat was in critical condition.
Tears started pouring down my face and I found myself walking towards the hospital.I called a friend and started sobbing, "Lavi is going to die. Lavi is going to die and I am a terrible cat mother."
You see, Lavi and I moved to New York City almost 8 years ago. I still remember stopping in Illinois to get her a cat tranquilizer because she would not. stop. meowing. At the time, I was newly in love and the world was my oyster. I thought that my life was going to be perfect. That my move was an "arrival point" to never-ending happiness.
How quickly I learned.
We lived with a 65-year old woman who made the cat her new best friend. She would leave letters on the door with stories about kitty. How they "filed taxes together" and how cute it was when kitty hid her toys. The stories were endless and wonderful.You can imagine how painful it was for her when I told her that I was moving out because my first love and I were breaking up.
Moving three times in a month did not bode well for my Lavi-cat and she did not like her new roommates. She was clear about her feelings by pissing all over the place in every apartment."It's behavioral," the vet would tell me after many expensive (and unaffordable) bills.
After 6 months I decided to return Lavi where she belonged. With her friend to file taxes and hide toys. She immediately stopped pissing and lived like a Queen.
I would visit regularly for "kitty spa" (nail-trimmings) and a catch up.
During that time, I also moved in with my best friend and we got two new cats. Life was good, but life was also busy. The visits became less frequent and it took me months to get there again.
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It was a cold run/walk to the animal hospital on East End while I sobbed on the phone. I felt horrible for not getting to her sooner, for not taking her to the vet more often."Upstairs to the emergency room", the receptionist pointed. My tears must have been an instant giveaway.
We ended up sitting with kitty for a couple of hours. She was on an IV and did her best to walk around to each of our laps, but she could hardly stand. We had a lot of back and forth on what to do, but I made the decision to put her to sleep. The actual procedure took about 3 minutes and it was horrible to watch. We were sobbing.
There was a moment when I thought I saw a flash of fear in Lavi's eyes, and I briefly second guessed the whole thing. But deep down, I knew it was the right thing to do.
It's been a little over a month since this happened, but it was one of those "life moments" worthy of reflection.
Lavi's death was sad, but it also symbolized closing a chapter in my life. I've grown so much over the past 8 years. While I still struggle with loss and change, I realize it can't be avoided.Because these things happen - life and loss and change.
Losing my mother at a young age made death just a thing. I would talk about it like it were a smallthing - a regular growing pain.But losing a parent/loved one is a traumatic thing, no matter the age.
The older I get, the more I realize the weight of loss. Death happens, but life doesn't stop. Even though it may feel like it.
We can't prepare for these things.You just have to trust that you'll know what to do and how to cope. That all your experiences make you wiser and stronger than you realize.
And you'll surprise yourself with your ability to carry on.